Terribly Tiny Love Letters 04 : Chemistry

    Sometimes into the night, I wonder how I'd explain what we had in my mind. I can't talk about how you were an ocean to me because honestly, it's scary and I can't really swim that well. I realized you're not adorned poetry with difficult words that one has to look up in the dictionary; that by the time one figures out what it means, the moment is gone without any explanation. I don't think of massive forces or the macrocosm when I think of you, nor butterflies and flowers.

    What I'm reminded most when I think of you are those higher secondary school's chemistry equations. I wasn't a fan of the subject but this equation-solving was intriguing and enjoyable. There was always a sense of mystery, of many cryptic possibilities and an unrest you feel until the equation is finally balanced. The content you feel after solving one and the urge to start another. That how it felt like to love you.

Sated and insatiable at the same time.

Source: Wallpaper on Google Images 

~ Hemu 

(You can find the series that I've started, of 'Terribly Tiny Love Letters' on my Instagram page: http://instagram.com/hemuvenkat      

Cheers!) 

An Affair With Addiction

I don't understand those poets that romanticize alcohol;
attributing poetry to a glass of high
or a joint of weed.
I'm tempted to judge a man
who loves alcohol and smoke;
a daily dose of exigency
to unlock and  let oneself be.
But what right do I have to roll my eyes
at him, an artist
immersed in the illusion of beauty;
recovering and emerging from
a bottle of whisky
when my words spill and fall like
a momentous dominoes set
when I think of you?
The illusion and the addictive need
to romanticize the image of you?



~Hemu

Dark and Dreary

The afternoon set in, rainy and dark. The clouds had pulled over the sun for having trespassed over my dark period and cried till I felt safe within the multitudinous folds of my quilt. The room gleamed with an eerie gloom that could only be best described as my own mind while a lonely hand stretched hard and waved the curtains across to let in a passive stream of light, exploring the path of the dust that lay accumulated from time lost on its way to Earth.

    The  knocking hasn't ceased. The person is relentless and won't give up. Dragging my heavy feet across  a cold marble floor, I moved, blinking between sorrow and seeing through tears. Stopping at the door, I yelled that I was coming, wiping away the slate clean of any traces of smudged chalk with the sweater whose hands fill mine. The door creaked, almost out of practice from the last few days. I pulled open the heavy door.

 The light was unbearable for me to take. A door-ful of radiance hit me as he entered the house with a kiss and some big bear hugs. I couldn't but stare at the silhouette of light that lit my house like a Christmas star that throws its dots of light, life and hope according to engraved patterns by an artist, a lover in his own accord.

'Maybe you should try coming in,' he said.

I stood rooted near the door as he walked back to me, throwing his light and shadow across the room split by him alone and shut the door tight to retain the flavour this house has become accustomed to.

'You?'

'Yes, me.' he uttered, through those perfectly formed teeth. His overgrown locks fell across my face as he carried me in all ease and grace, that I have never seen anyone else do. Walking to my darker chamber with the single ray of light, I fondled his cheeks with those beautiful dimples that could very well act as the life-saving pond to fish in need of life, that which only grew deeper as my hands traveled their distance.

The imaginary boundary between us threw itself into the corner, the sides of the bed became but one. All I could perceive was his stubble against my collar bone, his body pressed to mine and hands that caressed what I was, every inch through. I twiddled a while, moving away only to be pressed against him, a little closer, some more passionate kisses and tickles transmitting across my own body moving onto his own. Every time he smiled, a burst of light burped out of my laughter, every time his hands played their tune across the boulevards of my body, strings connected from my head and till my toe; music flowed and resonated through the entire room. I could smell the smoke off him and we reveled in our own world of beer and vodka, the scent raising our sensitivity. No longer was any part of me insignificant or strong, it was but whet and vulnerable. For a long time there, we were but one fused mass that might have even melted had not there been that darkness in the air and the coldness in the light. In that warmth that he radiated, I closed my eyes to receive his love and never woke up.

  Hard, breathless raps on the front door landed on my ears.

  The darkness rolled under my eyelids, tears streaming hard as I woke up to an absence where presence was uncertain. The knocking on the door only grew harder. I wiped my face clean of pain and walked towards the edge of the world, in hope of death for a visitor. I passed the shelf and saw the calender lying around, the same from the last time I ever saw it.

Source:Google images 

~Hemu

Drunk Ink Lines

Image Source- Google images 

The countdown has begun and I have a clock
and a calender with circled dates of separation
looming away in all radiance of anxiety.
I stare and wonder how this is going to pan
amidst the stealthy looks and poetry filled
books,
neither one the other is aware of.
If understanding is the key to love,
he's never perceived one.
I blame it all on him and
drown myself in alcohol and ink
hoping to feel better but
truth is all that it spills in righteous luminescence.

~Hemu

Envisioning Reality

Itinerant roads roam their way through fogged sights of my being

cutting through the suspended invisibility of dark secrets and earthy light,

tracing those numbed memories in the eons of my past- beautiful and seething;

sprinkling his smiles on moist ground from my tears trite.

His cherubic grin hops from one joyful stone to the next

as welcoming as the opening lips of a woman who loves her other soul,

offering herself to the reason of existence towards a seed growing convex;

cutting through my near frozen thoughts with a formless and farce parole.

But it flung me-to the crassly corner of imaginations and visions

coercing and pushing my dreams towards reality until the soil lay dug

with my desire to hold his hands in mere mental collisions,

while I slept on flitting clouds enceinte with my hollowness into the carnal drug.

Still he awoke-pacing along the rim of fallen petals crested,

creating words and sounds sailing on the concrete lines of love infested.

~Hemu 

                                                               Image from the internet  

A Shakespearean Sonnet -Insipired 

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Love, they said.

How long does he think I'll wait?
How do I know how long this feeling will hold on straight?
I was told by many I never knew, born ages back who just passed on words,
that love is a joy, love is a state of mind,
where two souls in their individualistic being should connect,
to blend into one happiness and a couch.
They also told me, it'll hit me across my face sometimes,
knock me down and rip my heart..
but I should stay calm. I must stay strong.
For destiny and endurance of rough winds
shall sweep me through to the sight I wish to dwell in.
They told me my love will come true;
that I need to hold on, He is just round the corner and
will see me standing here, waiting for him.
And, they also said, sometimes I'll just have to let it fly
before I could even clasp the colours in my hands.
My hands just seem stained and not coloured.
They said if I let it fly and if it belonged to me,
it'll reach back to the hands and heart that freed the aura-
to paint me with all the emblazon of its minuscule visibility.
Oh they told me too many things and now
I don't know what to do.
I don't  know what to say and what is due.
So,
as the oriflamme hues of the sky set to hide behind the veil of the unknown,
I slip into the covers of my insecurities, overflowing passion
and indescribable feelings for Him,
longing to see the next day reveal my heart without my consent
to His eyes so blind.

Of Creating a Memory

Take me, with my eyes covered, so I feel and know you are always there next to me..

Take me, anywhere, where the sounds cease to exist

throwing the music of silence into our ears, amplified,

that way, every word you say, will reach my heart.

Let's go around the same way, describe what you see, 

'cause I'm comfortable with my eyes closed and hearing you say 

things you don't even see. But, I'll believe you anyway. 

Let's go away from prying human eyes and live, 

with no cameras to record the moment, 

no sketchbooks to replicate..

Just you and me. 

Now, that'll be a memory I'll never forget.

 ~Hemu 

Dazed

What if I don't know want from need,

what if I can't see from desire and destiny?

For there runs a thin line as the heart does bleed,

to see the difference, to know if it's just a brevity.

I've told myself that there lies a sheaf of papers waiting for me to write,

to talk to it's lines and blanks, to create a new life,

yet, when I lift up the weightless flow of words to indite

I see all the articulate gushing in your way, in a rife.

What if I tell you I'm just accrued inside out,

with so much living, so much to show

all the sorrows of a hidden heart, only scared of the following flout,

a person who works from inside, driven by an urge to know.

For, every time I look at the midnight stars gleaming a little blue,

like my face, asking me to go ahead with what might be mine,

I stand still with the blowing winds, for I've heard dreams come true,

But what do I do, if there is someone else, whose heart too, in the same direction as mine, does incline?!?

Rain dance

I opened my eyes to the lashing waves growing in unison,
syncing somewhere, to the calls of it's long lost waters.
They crashed, livid,  on the rocks jagged in it's shape,
not caring enough if it'll hurt, not bothering if it'll kill.
The azure spread ahead, merging with lines I couldn't see,
throwing about grey blotches of clouds, mizzling against the skin of my arms.
I stood rooted, under a pavilion ancient, taking it all in,
sights I saw and the sounds I heard.
Sea brought with her, winds so loud,
singing a song I had never heard before,
blowing into my ears secrets I haven't known so far,
telling me to get out and see all that I've missed.
I saw the music travel through the blues and reaching the black I wore,
which, held the drops of the misty drizzle concealed,
as the afternoon sun refused to show..
throwing at me a wash of blue and light, at my face.
I stood there against the slapping drizzle through the small marquee,
trying to pull me out, and away from the diary and a pen,
while I stood rooted looking at the foam hit the rocks,
staying on still until air broke it's soul..Staying..
until he beckoned me out.
Beckoned me out to listen to the tune of the wind,
the joy of rain and the price of the sight I saw..
He beckoned me out. Out of what I thought and held.
I flipped the diary on the granite table so wet,
and walked out into the open to hold his hand.
How long we were each other's hands I barely know,
how long we talked in hushed whispers, I never reflected.
His words reaching me in, one word a time,
one syllable stretching into echoes into the empty mind he recreated.
I clung to his shoulder in completeness, dancing to the whisting winds,
and the beating waves on the sands hidden, beneath travelling wetness.
 The moistened air held me to him, his hand gluing us together,
as he made me realize what I had just stared at for so long.
Terpsichore, it felt like, all elements bringing him to me,
as he further wet my lips, the call singing like an unknown force,
not to be heard, but to be felt. To be electrocuted with.
 I danced and danced, until my legs became too tired to stop,
I closed my eyes to take in the moment I had lived through,
to breathe and feel his smell upon my neck,
I closed my eyes to him, for that one moment, outstretching my hands,
to welcome him to reality. To feel the wetness seep through my skin.
An eon passed as I opened my eyes to see the agaze of my friend,
a smile on her lips, a question in her stare.
I ran into the shelters, grabbed my diary and ran downstairs.
Not looking back. Not looking up.
But only the ground, because it kept my feet fixed to the earth.
Not like him, making me fly.

This was my entry at Saarang Writing Awards 2013

The Lady at my Table

Canteen, that's where I spent most of my time. Not to eat, but to feel at peace. To feel happy and satisfied like everyone else, there.. to escape from the clutches of the classrooms, studios and teachers who look through their spectacles with such suspicion that you could fall from your stool searching for your fallen pencil.. it's like they push you from there. Early before a session starts and sometimes after a good sleep in the last row... that's where I head to. The college canteen.

                     It's a great place. The canteen. With a small atrium shaking hands with the light, it sort of illuminates my day. Collegemates and classmates sitting around in groups, fighting for their spoon of pasta, the weary canteen boy who is ever in demand, the lovers who always chose to stand under the atrium, banking their weights on the high table, ever smiling and looking into each others eyes ( Holy god only knows what they ever mean by "we talk through our eyes..!"), the best friends who always take a happy stand either shrieking or consoling one another and a few like me. Secluded from the fake appearances and gestures of socialization. It's not that I don't get along with people, only people don't get along with me.  

                There is a table I sit at everyday, which forever creaks under my increasing weight.. A table which many fail to see. At the farthest end of the spacious, exposed brick structure. There it stands, a table.. A chair where I sit and another opposite to me. To one side, I get to see the entire canteen's chaotic capabilities in food, love, friendship and gang wars.. and to the other, there lies a green spread of lawn, sprouting colorful flowers and hiding the existence of a dog and her family of three pups.. Sunlight hits me, not too much, not too shaded either, just the way I like it. With an olive drab shade to the half-hanging bamboo curtain and a few colourful posters, there was nothing that people I saw, found interesting. Just a table and two old chairs. Creaky and lonely, just like me.

  

             That day, I was sitting at my regular, sipping my cup of hot tea along with a book.. I usually read, not because it gives me joy, but because, I don't know what else to do. It is escapade into another world where you are concerned about the character, not yourself.. where you're worried about what is going to happen to him or her, that, there is a momentary loss in the anxieties of your own. It is just a hot cup of tea, a book and yourself, in silence, not from outside, but from inside. Infact, I hear nothing. I feel it isn't worth my time.. to stop looking away from the changing worlds.. I grew deaf to it all. It didn't make me look up.. all those commotions of a birthday party, the cries of the "hot" girls of college, the stupid supposed-to-be-humorous comments of the silly boys, a screaming canteen owner, the sizzling sounds of cooking food and beeping ovens through the open kitchen door... I grew immune to it all. In a way, it told me things were normal. It meant people were at their usual, getting more and more stupid and less logical. Something inside me always said, this, was not what I wanted to hear. Something else it is, but just not this. Not the panic that I hear in their shouts, not the insecure feeling I sense.. Something else, it said inside me, whatever it is, inside me. 

          

               I pored over the book in eternal silence. I read on and on.. until his image struck me. He often did intrude into my happy world, making me feel miserable and useless. He is the boy I like. He is the boy who makes my head swerve in his direction as he walks by. He is my friend and no more than that, yet, my fistful beat my head in this. He is the reason for a lot of my smiles, silent sobs at night and the feeling of emptiness way down till my stomach. Emptiness, as heavy as void probably shouldn't be.. and so I moved around slowly. Beyond all my changing characters, he remained as a constant one. Ever to swift too take over my thoughts, too cute for me to look away and a baby for me to adore. He was all in one. My friend, my baby and my "in-dreams" love of life. There are so many questions in life that I didn't know the answers for. But the one that drove me crazy was this. "So, I do like him.. But does he?" I usually didnt know what to do at times like these. One of my good friends usually said," Yes, you like him. It wasn't a voluntary act that you started liking him.. and it cant be one.. the way you're trying, trying to get him out of your mind. It won't happen.. Let it be, cherish the moment. You may not like him in some time from now.. enjoy the magical feeling until it lasts. " A few other of my good friends want me to tell him! Tell him that I like him! It is going to be something I'll never do in my life, I tell them, everytime that they grew tired of me talking to them about him. They wanted to put an end to the grumbling. I wanted a new beginning.

                   It was one of my "him-struck" times. I was unable to read nor joke around with my friends from the studio.. I sat at 'my' table and stared out at Sasha(that's what I named her!) and her puppies play in eternal jubilation. Lost in thoughts, I came back to earth when I realized my cup of tea has reached its end.. My heart in his thoughts, battling with my mind led me towards a storming headache. I got up, reached for another cup of tea.. The canteen boy, ever too friendly with me, served me first.. Holding the hot paper cup between my thumb and middle finger, I made my way back to my seat. The hot liquid of soothing brown entity had all my concentration, that only after I reached my table and set down the cup of tea, did I realize that there was someone else sitting there.

                 It was a woman of forty-five probably. Her hair was drawn back into a pony tail, just a little longer than mine with her. She wore a purple Kurti and jeans, brandishing a huge black handbag. She was talking over the phone with someone..
"Yeah yeah! I'm right here. Oh, okay. Take your own time! yup.. bye sweetheart."

                   Sweetheart? Who was on the phone? Her child or her husband ? Whoever she is, all that I was concerned was the fact that I had to share a place that I considered only mine. "Damn!",I said over and over again, under my breath,  drinking my cup of tea in extreme interest so that I didn't have to make eye contact with her. Until I heard her speak...

   "Hi! could you please tell me where to get a cup of tea?", she asked.

Wow, here was a lady sitting in the canteen and asking me where we can order a cup of tea. What do I seem like to her? "Over there", I said, politely pointing to the counter.
   She smiled. She had a pretty smile, I have to admit. She got up for helping herself with one of the best tea in the world. The one that my canteen sold. She left her handbag on the table and looked at me... " Could I please leave this here? I'll just go and get my tea and back?" Great, now I was her caretaker as well?
I nodded and she left.
   
     Moments passed before she came back... She was clutching her tea the way I held mine.. in my left hand, gathering all the heat I could, before letting my mouth relish its taste. She sat down and smiled at me. Again. Bham. Her smile, for some reason let me loose all my feelings of distaste for her. I just smiled for a reply.

"Thank you, my dear!", she said.
"My pleasure, aunty!"
"You know, that word keeps reminding me of my age.?"

I was taken aback. I was lost in thoughts of his smile...and hers. they seemed so alike. I didn't expect her to continue a conversation. Well, now that she did, I had to, too. But whatever did she expect me to call her? Dude or something?

"Err.. I'm so sorry. I didnt mean to offend you."
"Aw, knock it my dear. It is my age isn't it..? Just that after coming here and seeing the kids here and all.. I was reminded of my college days. Must be fun for you right? College and all?"

   She seemed nice. Probably I was in too much of a foul mood to have surpassed the goodness of the lady. I smiled... and our conversation struck.

 "Yes, college is indeed nice. Though there are ups and downs.. exams, fights, broken hearts... it's still a place I head to with immense attachment."

"Hmmm..", she replied sipping her cup of tea with an extreme sense of pleasure shining on her face. She paused to look at me, and spoke.. Her voice was probably the "something". I'm surely not immune to it. Just like his voice, that I'd turn to.

".... Broken hearts.. Yes.. You have your heart in pieces, do you, my dear?"

She was wading into deep waters of my personal feelings. Angry as I should have got, I felt nothing. In her presence, for some reason, I felt calm and tranquilized. Like a sedated animal listening to her every word. Her smile had captivated me.

"No," I replied. "Not yet."
" Not yet eh? It is an interesting answer." she casually lifted her cup of tea to her mouth and had it in silence.. only for a moment though.. ".. yes, so, are you in love?"

   I was shocked, not because she had thrown at me, a query so private but because I didn't know the answer myself. I knew I had been evading this question for a very long time, to my own friends, to my diary and to myself. I was scared to make or reach a decision... Decision meant confirmation and acknowledgment. No, I wasn't ready for that yet. Though I had been wanting to talk to someone about it, for a very long time, I didn't, in fear. So, now that she has asked me, do I tell her? Anyway I don't know her, she wouldn't go talking about it behind my back.. so, should I tell her or not?

     Her silky voice cut through my thoughts. I looked up to see her looking at me with concern. Her eyes sparkled behind her specs with an unknown intimacy. "Did I say something wrong my dear? I'm really sorry if I did. You don't have to answer me you know..". she trailed but in a firm voice.

  "No," I said, "You haven't said anything wrong. It's just that I don't know what to say, because I myself don't know the answer."

"Well, then you must find out."

I looked at her. Yes, she was right afterall. I must find out, but how.?

"I see confusion in your eyes.. You don't know what to do. Am I right?"

Bloody right I thought. Of course, I don't know what to do.

"You're right aunty.. I don't know what to do. I like a guy who is my friend.. I don't know if he likes me back."

"Did you take any efforts to find out out?"

"No."

She sighed.

"My dear, if you don't let him know, how do you expect a reply? Answers are given after a question is asked. Statements that you might want, you'll receive only if you initiate the conversation on the terms you want it to go. Why don't you just give it a shot? What sort of a boy is he, anyway?"

   A smile reached my lips. What sort of boy is he? Now, how do I explain that?

"He is a cute guy. A guy who is genuine, who likes me as a friend. He is the type of person who makes others laugh. But he is also the popular one. With totally different tastes from mine. Our beliefs aren't the same."

"Do you think that is reason enough, to not tell him? I think you should tell him. As soon as possible. Probably today."

"I dont think it would ever happen. If I told him and he refuses, I wouldn't be able to bear that pain."

"Well, if you don't tell him at all, it'll swell and burst. Much worse than what this can do to you."

“But, I’m scared aunty.. I don’t know how to face him.”

 "Listen to me my dear, were you ever afraid to talk to him as a friend? Did you think twice when you ruffled his hair, when you thought of him as a friend?"

"Err.. no, I didn't. That was different. This feeling is different."

"No, it's all the same. It is friendship that you're gonna take on to a higher level. Take it from me, I can assure you this much. All you have to do is to go tell him.."

    Now, who was this lady who made me listen to her with such intensity.. What lies in her voice that makes me listen to her, I don't know. Who was she anyway? I collected myself back from my thoughts and spoke to the woman in front of me. The one who seemed to know what she spoke. The one who spoke from her heart. 

  "O.K.. let's look at it this way... I walk up to him, tell him that I love him. What if he says he doesn't love me?"

"Oh, let's look at it this way.. You walk up to him and tell him that you love him... And he says.. Damn, I've been wanting to say the same thing to you for a very long time? "

"This isn't an answer, is it? You just asked me a question back."

"Well, sometimes, questions raise questions. When one is answered, the other automatically answers itself. More like your design, I would say.."

"But.. Aunty, I really don't know what I should do. He lives in every page of my diary, he comes in my dreams, I feel comfortable around him.. I feel like I can act as crazy as a monkey and still not care..because he is one too... He is not like me though, he doesn't read, doesn't really believe in God.. But I somehow have this gut feeling that he is meant to be with me.. but I really dont know how to tell him this."

"What if he is struggling with the same problem?"

""Hmm.. I dont know about it, right?"

"Precisely why I am asking you to go tell him. Think my little girl, when you grow up and turn around looking at all the things that you haven't had the guts to face, you' ll want to face it again.. But then, you might not have the age or youth for it. Some things and people you lose now, you'll never be able to retrieve again!"

"But what if my stakes are high?"

"What would happen if you told him my dear? He'll stop talking to you? If he does so, you are better off without the guy.. and if he says he likes you too.. well and good for you don't you think? And if he refuses and remains the same with you, atleast you are cleared of the confusion in your head, aren't you?"

"Hmm.. you make sense."

"Yes, I do. And it would do you good to listen to me.. oh oh.. why in the world are you looking so drained..? wo... why are you ducking now?" 

"Aww.. Aunty, there he is." Damn, why did I let that slip now? 

Indeed, he had come inside at the wrong time. The bugger, I hadn't seen him for a week now. Heard he wasn't feeling well or something. And he turns up now.. with a charismatic woman next to me, asking me to tell him how I feel about him. Lovely timing indeed.

The ever too eager Aunty wanted to catch a glimpse of my favorite boy. She swerved around to see a hoard of young men standing there... 

"Who is it, my dear lady?",she asked. 

I had given my tongue away. No other choice, I had, but to tell her. 

"That boy there.. in the blue shirt with stripes.. OH oh! He saw me.. Crap!"

Indeed, he was heading to our table. I waved and he waved right back with a broad smile. Oh my god... THAT smile.

"Hi, how are you?", he asked, looking at me. 

"Ha, seems like I should be asking you that. How are you feeling man?"

"Well, you can see me now", he said, outstretching his arms, in  order to offer me a total view of his fit state..."Do I look anywhere near being diseased?"

I couldn't help but smile. "No, you dont."

"Well, so who do we have here?", he asked, looking at my guide for the morning, probably, the rest of my life. They both shared a smile. She looked at him and nodded. The lady in the purple kurti got up giving her seat to my boy. Now, now.. what was happening..? This fellow was beaming too. 

"Oh, I should be off now my dear... And my boy, I'll leave the car here, drive back home soon. Take care..", she exclaimed as she dropped the car keys on the old table. 

  

       She looked at the still surprised me, smiled and said, "You have things to tell my dear, and let me assure you it will all turn out well. Trust me." She winked and turned around and walked towards the exit door, her high pony swinging in the air, in total confidence of its place in air. Now, that is a woman, I say. 

 "Well, you've seen her.. and I'm still here you know?" He was looking at me through his overgrown locks of hair. He had been looking at me.

Wow, so, how long have I been staring at her? 

  "Ah, ha, I'm sorry. And.. Er.. hey! I have something to tell you."

"Wow, so, do I."

"And something to ask...", I added. "You know her?" I asked, pointing at the exiting woman. 

He smiled. 

"Yes", he said... "She is my mum." 

The lady in the purple kurti turned, looked at me and smiled. I looked from her son to her.. Damn, the same smile. She winked again and left.

I laughed. I knew what I had to tell him.

~ Hemu 

Grey

It was a silent night. But she heard through it. The silence spoke, much louder than any noise would. She gripped on to her shawl, pulling it much tighter, upsetting her hair as it flew with the blowing wind, her soft curls being carried along like a feather along its destined path. In the darkness she groped, trying to stay more warm as the bay window revealed the radiance of the full moon above, in total brilliance of the borrowed rainbow.. shooting around it : a halo, and beyond her, dark shadows.The moonlight streamed through the glass panes to catch the sight of her face, looking resigned, in deep contemplation.. thinking along with the waves that crashed the shores, basking in the gold of the sand, that which she was looking through the open windows . White froth lashed in collective efforts to wash the sand off the shore, only to be left alone, to conquer the air inside and the wind outside.. To brave through it, not knowing whether to be let carried away on the outside or burst from inside. Either ways, the air had it's way. She saw her there, as the froth struggling along the beach, not knowing what to do. The intense light refused to hide behind the trees she saw from above her bedroom window. Nothing could hide the light now. She thought she could. She thought. She closed her eyes to see the haziness shine in a more blurred way, in a way she could never comprehend. In a way she'll never overcome. In a way that forced her to open her eyes, to stare at the light hitting her eyes, again.

                       She searched the floor for her slippers, to skip into the cozy bed, to escape into the world of dreams, avoiding light and eloping reality. It was what she had been doing for over a year now. It was a cold and windy night, the open windows welcomed it to bring her out of the warmth of fake illusions. The chimes danced to the wind's love and broke the silence, yet causing the eerie feeling of silence at the same time. The notes soothed her ears and the chill that ran down her spine brought her back to earth, as she proceeded to look for her slippers. Once she got into the smugness of her woolen shoes, she got up leaving behind a warm cushion falling to the cold, meeting the floor. Clutching her pajamas up, she waded through her gloating emotions, to quickly hide behind the covers of the huge empty bed, yet,one that was welcoming. She got in and lay still, afraid that even a twitch of her rosy lips might startle her or push her back into untrue incidents, what she wanted to happen.

              She was scared she would awake him to Starr in her fantasies, as much as she loved seeing him and wanted to see him.She lay wide awake, turning her head only to see him standing there. He was there, her boy. A smiling boy of nineteen standing by the post of the bed, leaning against it, his arms crossed across his chest. He stood there with just one foot resting on the floor, while the other balanced on tiptoes, leaving him in total ease of the surroundings. She didn't find it unusual to see him in her dreams... but to see him stand right opposite to her when the moon was just reaching its pinnacle... It was unbelievable. The midnight sky held to its draping cloak of darkness, only to illuminate him in the faint glow of the golden moon. The rays danced along his form and cast a shadow much bigger than himself, though not bigger than what she saw him as, through her dark brown eyes and the curly bangs of hair falling over her face.
      
         He seemed amused. He stood there staring straight into her eyes with a sense of pride and frivolity, like it was the most normal thing for him to appear there, in her bedroom, beyond midnight. She gaped at the uniqueness of his form, the perfection of his pose and the immaculate smile. She snapped out of her thoughts as his smile broadened into a grin and she sat up, holding on to the warm covers.

  " Whatever are you doing here? It's past midnight!"

He smiled and then she heard him talk. The transcending voice.

  "Is that reason enough for barring me from reaching you?"

He hadn't moved. His smile still remained. She saw his soft and tender face from the tiny bits, to form the big picture, through the translucent curtains. His big picture, one that is of elegance and mischievousness. The sight of a baby clad in the clothes of a man.

"But, whatever is the reason? You've never been here before?"
"I thought I was allowed to barge in?"
"I'm not sure about the details of my giving you permission anytime before."
"You may have your living, conscious reasons to think so, I didn't pass them all!"
"What do you mean?",she asked.

  It was the first time he moved ever since he appeared out of the 'black'. He moved slowly in black shoes that merged well with what she saw beyond, noiselessly. He parted the translucent curtains for him to sit there, right opposite to her, as the light flooded in through thin laces and hit his face... light that had grown intense..As intense as the slackness of his body. He sat there, one leg crossed across, on the bed and the other hanging down for the carpet to feel his touch. The touch she yearned for.

 "When are you going to agree?"

She was taken aback. She realized she had been looking at him for moments, whose transition and pace, she didn't know.

"Uh huh?"
"I said, when are you going to agree?"

It seemed to her that he sang. With the notes of the chimes, with the brilliance of the light and the kisses of the wind.

"When am I gonna agree about what?"
"That you love me, of course!"
"WHAT?"
"You heard me very well. I said you love me."
"Is this a proposal because I...?"
"It's a fact!", he interrupted.

She didnt know how to react. Partly overcome by joy, partly by shock, she succumbed to shock, unable to respond. He leaned against the bed with a pillow playing in his hands, He threw it up and down, each time catching it perfectly at its edge. He stretched his legs fully to the leisureness of the bouncy bed. She saw that his shoes were still on... without a spot of dirt. Just like his soul, perhaps. Her thoughts were broken as the furry pillow hit her on her face, filling her with a momentary joy of his smell....

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just got a little preoccupied in thoughts..." she trailed, searching for a possible reason, worth her thoughts at a time like this.
"... of me!", he completed for her, in absoluteness.
"That is not true!"
"Oh yes, it is."
"I don't understand. You turn up at this hour of the night and tell me things I don't seem to comprehend.. It's really confusing."
"No, it isn't. And anyway, your pretense isn't working with me, so beat out of it."

      "Damn!", she thought. How does he know?!

"I just know, because it shows", he said calmly, like he was explaining basic addition to a two year old...
And you should have known better than that."

She pulled herself together in total defense.

"Stop assuming, mate."
"Ah ha, assumption. That's your area of interest,not mine. "
"What do you mean?", she inquired, frowning.
"I mean, you are the one who makes assumptions. You are the one who assumes that I don't like you. You are the one who assumes that I like her. Yes, I do know that."
"How would you know all this?"
"It shows, in many ways that you don't realize."
"I thought I conceal it very well."
"That's what you think. It doesn't get past me.. all your knotty lies about not loving me, not wanting to kiss or hug me.. I can see it all through those glassy eyes of yours."

She sighed. She hadn't expected a night like this. She wanted a night of dreams where there were no questions, no critical answers lying in wait by the one she loves, no talk. Just the meeting of eyes and the connecting of the souls.
      She looked at the boy who sat across her, who had afforded the luxury of honesty.. who had mastered at catching people in their exact line of thought and yet, the state to stay happy and still. He seemed to know what she thought, what she was going to say and when she was lying. She wondered what to say, thinking of his purpose behind the sudden provocation into acceptance of her love for him.

 "Well, what do you expect me to do now?"
" Accept that you love me."
"Why do you want to hear something you already know? You want to see me go through the troubles and embarrassment of having to face you and say so?"
"I don't want you to tell me... tell yourself."
"You make no sense to me, you know!"
"I can see through all that you do. You need to clear that haze in your head. The only way you can do so, is by facing the truth you already know. Create your moments clearly to tell me what you feel."
"Hmmmm...but..."
"Once your head is cleared of this trash, you can think, not assume. Listen, not just hear, Smile and not sigh in retirement. Wake up."
"I know, I've been trying. It doesn't seem to work with me.."
"That's a lie. A blatant answer to avoid effort. A stupid note to start a song with. Don't expect me to come to you, when you can reach me yourself, or you'll never learn to move."
"But... I...", she stammered.
"I said Wake up... Just wake up."

    His firm voice caught her a captive. She saw the times of expectation and false dreams.. All her "love" life, she had been waiting for him to come to her. Waiting in pain for him to see the spark. Waiting in tears to feel her love. Waiting in vain to experience his care. She hadn't budged. She had just stayed still, in fear, awe and love. She decided it was time to move. She got up..

   " Oh yes, I do love you!" she exclaimed, in the loudest voice she had. In the loudest tone that beat all her inner protests of ego and inferiority complex.
    "Oh yes, I do love you!!!"

It felt great. He smiled.

                                                          ****************

"Pardon me!?", he said.

She saw him stand there right next to her, at an arm's length.

"Uh huh..What?"
"I said pardon me, but I didn't exactly hear what you just said."

She turned around to see broad daylight streaming through the window panes of the classroom. Where was the moonlight?

"Oh oh.. nothing. Just wanted to know if you wanted help with those",she said pointing to his open books on his table.
"Haha, no,but thanks. I'm done. So, you got nothing else to say?"
"Erm... no.."
"Good, so, see you around. Bye!"

  He moved. She stood glued to the grey concrete below. She saw him make his way out of the otherwise empty classroom... into the rays and origins of light. She saw him go, for moments... even after his exit. She stared at the half-open door which lay swinging from the impact of his push. She only, still saw him go.

"So, you didnt move, once again, did you?"

She swerved to face the owner of the voice....  the same voice she had heard before.. His hair danced with the wind that blew across...  His lips twisted into a smile. She turned to look at the swinging door and swung around to see his all knowing smile.
She fainted.

~ Hemu


This was my entry at Saarang Writing Awards 2013



              

Him, Anew.

I saw him from far as he approached from there,

At the line I would call the middle as the path can bear..

With the lights shining hard on his face,

that made him glow along his funny pace..

As my small eyes could see,

I could see him fly towards me..

With a mischievous glint in his eyes

oh, that look that made me go so high!

He carried an elegant walk, shaking his head to a side, so hard..

in a desperate attempt to have the sunlight barred,

which did go in vain, as it still danced along with his hair 

and made him give me a helpless smile of despair.. 

I looked at the brown of his hair, an original black,

like the radiance of love and my sight of him, it did attack...

I looked at him shrug and come close to me, 

Jumping up and down, and a near fall.. in all his glee,

I saw my kid stagger up holding onto the wall 

and with the frolicsome glance, He seemed ready for a friendly brawl..

I turned around and ran a little slow, for him to catch up with me

My boy of happiness did run in all his acme,

and gripped my wrist so tight, that made me want to run fast

Instead I stood there giving in to his strength, unsurpassed..

He held me firm and let his hands do the charm

running his fingers around my waist as I laughed in alarm..

He seemed to have enjoyed the dance as I jumped ;

as his tickles multiplied, an unknown voice in my throat lay as a lump..

As the laughter ceased and the voice started trying to reach,

the air so free, and his heart beating with the beats of the wind across a beach...

He slid his arms around my shoulder and added to it a beam, 

The voice told me He was mine and so it seemed..

As the notes of the sound traveled up my tongue,

he looked at me and waved me a bye unsung..

I watched him go, my friend so anew..

as the sounds chanted a whisper..

 " oh! I so love you! " 

~ Hemu 

The Trance

When in your arms, I danced like never before..
With my heart running wild but my prancing movements so slow!
I stood under the light, for a second and not more,
As my body twisted under your control to catch you smiling at me,
on the dance floor..
The world around me faded,
And in the dim, I saw some light..
The only light that I saw, which was you...
The music didn't cease, I didn't move
Yet in your arms, I saw my legs so limp jump up into the air,
and you carried me, and saw me still..
A lot of faces forgotten,
A thousands of thoughts passed by..
Without the depth being encountered,
Nor acknowledgement for it's momentary presence..
Yet, for all that happened,
The memory of time ticked, remained in the dark shadows of the anonymity.
A collection of mere glances, smiles and whispers, I clutched,
As you led me away from the floor under your feet so colourful
into the darkness of the night and the breeze's message.
I felt your breath upon my neck
I realized the smell of you...
When still in an embrace so tight
there, our lips did meet..
In vivacious energy and the graceful movements,
of the dance that did proceed..
I sank into the ground as an unknown mass of mere flesh
for, my soul went, there, with you.
And only after you opened your eyes to look at me did you realize,
that you were lost too!!!

~ Hemu