Thursday, February 24, 2011

Pages, Conversations.

"Dearest Ishaan,
Today, quite a long day. I met Aishu at the park. We spoke for a very long time. About me, about him and how I feel for him. I didn't know what to say. I felt there was so much to say, yet I found no words trying to seek recognition. I was scared of what she'll say. I feared she'll tell me it's happening for real and that I'll have to face it. I'm still frightened to face reality. I hid behind the screens, hiding tears from a close friend..."


" pathetic!",she said.

Daksha turned around in her direction, breaking free from her still world and thoughts, just as she heard the last word uttered, in extreme exasperation.

"Huh? What?"
"Ducky! You didn't hear a word of what I said?!?"
"Err.. I did.. But..."
"Why man?"
 "Eh? What why? I don't get you!"
"You mean, you don't pretend to get me?"
"Now, hold on. What do you want me to say now?"
"Please! Why don't you just speak it out?"
"Speak about what Aishu? I told you everything that happened!"

Aishwarya looked at the lake ahead of them. It glistened with dancing diamonds balancing on its ripples. It seemed like she chose words from the waters..with uncertain behavior. Sometimes smooth, sometimes harsh, and sometimes breaking all the rocks..
She looked at her friend trying to read her thoughts and then, returned to her gaze to the jeweled lake set amidst the crowded park..

"Yes. You did,", she said, pausing after every word, "But, you haven't told me how you feel."
"I'm fine. I can manage!"
"For how long?"


"I'm unable to hold the feeling back any longer. That's always been the case with me, hasn't it? Earlier, I refused my every idea of telling him how I feel. And now, this. It feels abrupt, like something has popped out of the blue to break my dream bubbles. I wanted to tell her that. That, I am heart-broken. She looked at me with such a piercing stare that almost bore through my air. I wanted to break down, that one moment.To let all my locked up sorrow, disappear like fireflies flying under sunshine. I would've, had I not looked away.. But something inside me held me back, Ishu. I don't know what.. I don't know what you'd name it.. Ego? Helplessness? I really don't know, still. I could only speak in accentuated silences, not knowing how to respond. Not knowing if I'd be able to hold back wet eyes if I told her..."

"It won't hurt you Ducky,holding back tears. It isn't wrong to cry. It is pretty much natural."

The wind blew across Daksha's face pushing back her wavy hair to fall against her cheeks. Her small eyes kept gazing at the setting sun. Disappearing light, she thought.

"Yeah.", she said.. not turning.."like every other thing that's happened to me."
"It happens to everyone. You're not alone, you have to trust me with that. I've been through the same phase. So has everyone."
"But I'm me at the end of the day, Aishwarya. And I can only see loneliness and despair. I'm here with you, not everyone else."
"It'll fade."
"Look, he's your first big sweetheart, dear. It'll take time to fade, sweet monkey.. but it will."
"Don't say that!"
"Don't say what?"
"That he is my first big sweetheart.. and that I'll grow out of it. I don't want to. I like him, still."
"Why don't you just let it out, what you really think and feel about it?"


"I feel dejected. Like someone has stripped me of my dream.. of my love.. of my child. Though I've never really been with him, gone out or taken care of him.. I have done it all. Imaginations. Fantasies, Dreams. So many dreams where he was there, where I told him that I love him.. where we made out in the dark.. where everything I felt, felt real. Though those were dreams that were woken up to reality, I had a smile in the morning, hoping he would see, it's because of him. But now, I feel ripped out of everything I ever had. I've lost myself, spacing out inbetween conversations and happy moments... of others and the fake me.
       I felt cheated. My wishing star didn't bring my love to me. Instead she separated us. She put another girl in between. She holds both her hands now. Not any longer though, because I ran away..I ran away the moment I saw whose hands I was in..."


"Well, they didn't work for me!", she said as a matter-of-fact.
"It will, you'll have to wait."
"For how long?"
"How much ever long it takes for the true one to come by. You'll learn to appreciate real love, when it comes by."
"You think I like him as in, for a past time!?"
"No. But there is a time for everything. There'll be someone who'll love you for all the wishes you make on that star you sit under, every night. There'll be someone who'll come, who'll sweep you off your feet."
"But, what about Him?"
"It'll be hard. But even this will pass."
"But, I don't want it to Aishu..", she said, her face taut, bereft of a smile, a tear.
"It'll heal."
"It'll leave a scar."
"Well, you can't live with a wound all your life."
"Maybe not."
"Please Daksha, why don't you just spill it out, just once. I won't ask you questions. I'll just sit beside you here. No one can see us here anyway. Just cry it out of your heart."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't cry in front of others except for Ishaan."
"Diaries don't respond back to you,Daksha."
"Diaries arent mere books Aish!", she flared.

She sighed.

"Yes! I know, but now, you've forgotten how to talk to people. And to cry on shoulders. "

"She thinks you don't talk back, Ishaan. She doesn't know you does she? I love the way you respond. A silent listener, yet not indifferent. I talk to him through you. I talk to everyone through you. But it confuses me, she writes diaries too...
      But,yes, sometimes, I do wish you could hug me to sleep... on your lap.. "


"Move on, sweet monkey."
"I am."
"Stop lying, I can see through your eyes."
"I'm moving within inside."
"You seem to be stuck with thoughts of him."
"I'll learn to move."
"What thoughts do you hold of him still?"
"All my memories Aishu. All that he said to me. As the boy I liked, who, still doesn't know I love him."
"Is that all?"
"Oh, why do you lie to me?"

Daksha turned to face her serene face looking with compassion and love. The night moon had emerged running along the night sky. Moonlight fell on her friend's face illuminating her aura. Those inquiring eyes through those rimmed spectacles.
    And it blurred. She felt warm hands hug her. Her eyes closed. The tears fell. she grasped to hear soothing sounds inclining her. She cried harder, like she had,never before. Shedding all tears she had so long swallowed. As the moon ran behind the dark clouds, the breeze flowed by.. carrying the tears of not one young lady, but two.


"It is tearing up my insides to see him with another girl. To see him love another like how I wanted to be. I still like him hoping against every fact and reason that shines, that shows he is head-over-heels in love with that other girl I feel so jealous of. Of every reason that shows he's in love with another girl and not me. Throughout myself, I feel this searing pain shoot up... like blood flowing through my veins.. except with an illuminating and inflicting feeling. I've tried to come out of it, but sometimes I get so reminded of him, his smile and all that he's said to me.. that I'll transcend on from reality. Fantasy overpowers me and I think of him... Reveries.
                      I still under the stars talking to you.. Strangely, I am not weeping as I do, when I want to cry. I'm writing into you with a sane head, but full of emotions. Not crying, because, there are no more tears for today. I've split it all on her shoulders.. I didn't say a word. But she understood. I was alone and she came there for me. She made me see, I wasn't alone. She told me, she loves me. She said I'll find a boy who'll love me more than anyone else in this world. She said he'll sweep me off my feet...and make me feel like a princess..that He'll understand me more than anyone else..that He'll love me for what I am. And that, he'll replace you.
       I lost myself and felt better. I never knew tears could heal. That crying in someone else's arms could heal even better. I don't know if he'll come by, to love me.. don't know if he'll ever hug me better.
I had never wished for her on my wishing star, but she gave me Her. Probably, the stars know what I need. I only probably know what I want.
Good night.
I love you, Ish!
Daksha. "


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


He lifted her chin up for him to see her moist eyes pour. Glassy as they were, the tears reflected his eyes as they rolled down her pink cheeks to reach out to the ground. It hurt him to see her that way. To see her cry. To see her in pain. He dragged the rattan stool near the bay window she sat by. She could see him settle down below her sight, for him to place his hands on her lap... to look at her with concern. She looked around his room to find something that'll stop the fall of misery from her brown being.. to find something to look away, from his inquiring stare. She could find nothing that could hold her back and her glance fell down.. to the hands that were holding her, in pain, in silence.

  " What happened baby?"
  "Oh.. Err... nothing. I'm.. I'm.. just thinking..", she stammered.
  "And you expect me to believe that?"
  "Why? Why won't you?"
  " Because, I don't usually see you cry. Tears are usually your last resort. So, why don't you just stop overacting and tell me what's bothering you?", he said.

    She kept mum. He sighed. A long day, he thought, as he got up to sit on the cushions, next to her. He took her hands into his, for her to see that he was right there, next to her. She looked up to see the sinking sun's evening rays hit his face.
    He didn't say anything. He just looked right into her eyes, boring for some truth out of her heart and some words out of her lips. He just sat there, next to her, for several moments, waiting for her to speak.. to pour it all, while, she stared back at his patience. Finally, she spoke..

   " It was this boy at college..", she mumbled.
   " Our college you mean?"

 She nodded her head in response to his query.

   "What about him? Who, anyway?", he asked.
   " Names aren't very necessary, because a lot of people say such stuff about and to me."
   "Who said what, my dear?"

   She reverted to silence for a minute, looking at some faraway doves flying against the orange-red sky. There was a raging fire excogitating in her eyes, yet something that flowed with the calmness and serenity of a flowing river.

   " Grace.", she muttered.
   "Grace. They say I'm not graceful. Not womanly."
   "And you feel bad about it?" he asked, his eyebrows arching upward in wonder and astonishment.
   "No, I don't always feel that way, but sometimes...", she said, dragging her words into an endless pit.
   "..But sometimes you do feel bad about it, right?", he finished for her.

     He sighed and looked out of the window. For a long time, he didn't talk.. It sounded like a silent predecessor to something deserving of crowning glory, in all quietness and suspense. Like the descending sun that was going to plunge the world into darkness. But, darkness just throws more light, she thought. Darkness is where people strain their eyes to see the put in more effort and to grope the idea of reality.

    She waited for him to speak, to break the pounding sound in her heart. He looked up to see her expectant face.. after she broke the silence, no longer being able to bear it.

  "Did I sound too silly? Are you angry that I feel this way?", she exclaimed.
  "No, just exasperated."
  " Yes, I thought a girl of your caliber would know much better than that!"
  "Don't I?", she beseeched.
  "No, I just saw that you don't."

        Her face fell. There was some sudden feeling of increased fear, anxiety and loss that radiated in dark circles from around her face. A feeling of being lost. A feeling of hopelessness in a land where she felt she would never get to know people, their ideas and conceptions. He saw her face muscles strain and her throat swallowing a gulp. He smiled, looking at his girl, that left her puzzled.

   "Do you know, baby, what it is to be graceful?"

 She thought for some moments. It sounded like a posed question in an exam hall. She wanted to make sure she had the right answers.

  "Hmmm... to be graceful.. is to be feminine? Walking and talking like a typical girl would? To be interested in  shoes and 'girly' stuff and not football... Everything that...", she paused for a moment. "Everything that I'm not.", she said, breathing out aloud.
   A clear ringing sound of his laughter rang in her ears. Startled as she was, she looked up to see if he was faking it to make her feel better. She saw, that it was pure unscathed laughter from the bottom of his stomach and soul. As genuine as melting gold. Nonplussed, she kept looking at him. wondering what she had said, that made his sides tickle so hard. He caught the look of question and confusion on her face and tried to subside his moments of roaring source of joy.
  And at last, he did. Slowing down, speaking carefully, his every word weighed against his heart and reason, he uttered..

  "Oh, how much you make me smile. Is that what you think grace is?"
  "Errrr... yes. Is it not so?", she asked her eyes wide with innocence.

 He smiled yet again.

   "Oh, my baby.. I wouldn't say so.Not exactly. It's a very superficial and dumb way of looking at it."
   "By that you mean?"
   "By that I mean, walking on stilettos, living on girl gossip or being fragile and petite, is not, being graceful.", he said emphasizing every word. "Grace isn't all this."
   " But.. but.. this is what everyone calls it to be. And that's why everyone calls me masculine in a lot of ways... because I live on sports, hang around in shorts and tees! Sometimes, I even feel scared you'd leave me and go because I am not elegant or graceful."

    His jaw dropped as she said that. the smile vanished but a hint of the smile remained.

   "Oh no," he said, "Don't even think like that. That, is not how I perceive you!"
   "Then, whatever do you mean by grace in a woman? I still don't understand what you're trying to say!"

He took a deep breath and spoke...

     "Grace is that abstract and innate aura in you that shines out brightly, from everyone else. It is the principles you hold and the deeds you do. It's the heart of yours that doesn't mind blood on your clothes when trying to help a hit animal. It's that smile of yours so passionate as you pass a child and the kiss that you give her, kneeling down on your knees.. going down to her level of thoughts and fun. It's the way you hit me, in full knowledge of being strong enough to hit me such that it pains, yet, pretending to be less stronger so that you wouldn't have my ego hurt. It's in those powerful strides in spikes across the stadium's track, those legs moving in expertise, living in its fleeting space in air.

 It is in that loud laughter of yours that lets out happiness without being bothered about another person's opinion... it's in your eyes that I see true joy and bliss, when you smile! Your, eyes, that smile. It's elegance that pushes you forward in a crowd of hundred to dance first.. a confident woman... It's grace, the way you ride my bike, which other girls might not even try, It's your hot temper that I see, and annoying nature that makes me think you're adorable. It's the guts with which you stand up for, when you know you're right... It's graceful, when I see you walk from far, waving to me.. and the jumps of a kid that you possess. It's that factor, that makes you go haywire and do things, gracefully, in a way, that other people are too scared to attempt.

   It's that grace in you that makes me love you. It's that grace that made me see the truth. It's that grace, which is you.!"

      He beamed, in seriousness. She saw the soft lines of his face and the curves of his smile. She squeezed his hands in gratitude and understanding. Looking down at his hands, she smiled and cried, a moment to herself. A moment to cherish.

   "So, did you now, my love," he said cheesily, "understand what it is, that's, grace and what makes you a woman more than anything else?"

   She smiled. the sun was fast setting and his face grew decreasingly visible. She knew, he was waiting for her, to speak. To reply.
And she did..

   "I don't know if I exactly understand,what that grace is, that makes me a woman..", she said. "But I know, now, what it is, that makes you a man."

Even in the darkness, she knew,he smiled to himself, satisfied and absolute.