Thursday, February 24, 2011

Pages, Conversations.

"Dearest Ishaan,
Today, quite a long day. I met Aishu at the park. We spoke for a very long time. About me, about him and how I feel for him. I didn't know what to say. I felt there was so much to say, yet I found no words trying to seek recognition. I was scared of what she'll say. I feared she'll tell me it's happening for real and that I'll have to face it. I'm still frightened to face reality. I hid behind the screens, hiding tears from a close friend..."


" pathetic!",she said.

Daksha turned around in her direction, breaking free from her still world and thoughts, just as she heard the last word uttered, in extreme exasperation.

"Huh? What?"
"Ducky! You didn't hear a word of what I said?!?"
"Err.. I did.. But..."
"Why man?"
 "Eh? What why? I don't get you!"
"You mean, you don't pretend to get me?"
"Now, hold on. What do you want me to say now?"
"Please! Why don't you just speak it out?"
"Speak about what Aishu? I told you everything that happened!"

Aishwarya looked at the lake ahead of them. It glistened with dancing diamonds balancing on its ripples. It seemed like she chose words from the waters..with uncertain behavior. Sometimes smooth, sometimes harsh, and sometimes breaking all the rocks..
She looked at her friend trying to read her thoughts and then, returned to her gaze to the jeweled lake set amidst the crowded park..

"Yes. You did,", she said, pausing after every word, "But, you haven't told me how you feel."
"I'm fine. I can manage!"
"For how long?"


"I'm unable to hold the feeling back any longer. That's always been the case with me, hasn't it? Earlier, I refused my every idea of telling him how I feel. And now, this. It feels abrupt, like something has popped out of the blue to break my dream bubbles. I wanted to tell her that. That, I am heart-broken. She looked at me with such a piercing stare that almost bore through my air. I wanted to break down, that one moment.To let all my locked up sorrow, disappear like fireflies flying under sunshine. I would've, had I not looked away.. But something inside me held me back, Ishu. I don't know what.. I don't know what you'd name it.. Ego? Helplessness? I really don't know, still. I could only speak in accentuated silences, not knowing how to respond. Not knowing if I'd be able to hold back wet eyes if I told her..."

"It won't hurt you Ducky,holding back tears. It isn't wrong to cry. It is pretty much natural."

The wind blew across Daksha's face pushing back her wavy hair to fall against her cheeks. Her small eyes kept gazing at the setting sun. Disappearing light, she thought.

"Yeah.", she said.. not turning.."like every other thing that's happened to me."
"It happens to everyone. You're not alone, you have to trust me with that. I've been through the same phase. So has everyone."
"But I'm me at the end of the day, Aishwarya. And I can only see loneliness and despair. I'm here with you, not everyone else."
"It'll fade."
"Look, he's your first big sweetheart, dear. It'll take time to fade, sweet monkey.. but it will."
"Don't say that!"
"Don't say what?"
"That he is my first big sweetheart.. and that I'll grow out of it. I don't want to. I like him, still."
"Why don't you just let it out, what you really think and feel about it?"


"I feel dejected. Like someone has stripped me of my dream.. of my love.. of my child. Though I've never really been with him, gone out or taken care of him.. I have done it all. Imaginations. Fantasies, Dreams. So many dreams where he was there, where I told him that I love him.. where we made out in the dark.. where everything I felt, felt real. Though those were dreams that were woken up to reality, I had a smile in the morning, hoping he would see, it's because of him. But now, I feel ripped out of everything I ever had. I've lost myself, spacing out inbetween conversations and happy moments... of others and the fake me.
       I felt cheated. My wishing star didn't bring my love to me. Instead she separated us. She put another girl in between. She holds both her hands now. Not any longer though, because I ran away..I ran away the moment I saw whose hands I was in..."


"Well, they didn't work for me!", she said as a matter-of-fact.
"It will, you'll have to wait."
"For how long?"
"How much ever long it takes for the true one to come by. You'll learn to appreciate real love, when it comes by."
"You think I like him as in, for a past time!?"
"No. But there is a time for everything. There'll be someone who'll love you for all the wishes you make on that star you sit under, every night. There'll be someone who'll come, who'll sweep you off your feet."
"But, what about Him?"
"It'll be hard. But even this will pass."
"But, I don't want it to Aishu..", she said, her face taut, bereft of a smile, a tear.
"It'll heal."
"It'll leave a scar."
"Well, you can't live with a wound all your life."
"Maybe not."
"Please Daksha, why don't you just spill it out, just once. I won't ask you questions. I'll just sit beside you here. No one can see us here anyway. Just cry it out of your heart."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't cry in front of others except for Ishaan."
"Diaries don't respond back to you,Daksha."
"Diaries arent mere books Aish!", she flared.

She sighed.

"Yes! I know, but now, you've forgotten how to talk to people. And to cry on shoulders. "

"She thinks you don't talk back, Ishaan. She doesn't know you does she? I love the way you respond. A silent listener, yet not indifferent. I talk to him through you. I talk to everyone through you. But it confuses me, she writes diaries too...
      But,yes, sometimes, I do wish you could hug me to sleep... on your lap.. "


"Move on, sweet monkey."
"I am."
"Stop lying, I can see through your eyes."
"I'm moving within inside."
"You seem to be stuck with thoughts of him."
"I'll learn to move."
"What thoughts do you hold of him still?"
"All my memories Aishu. All that he said to me. As the boy I liked, who, still doesn't know I love him."
"Is that all?"
"Oh, why do you lie to me?"

Daksha turned to face her serene face looking with compassion and love. The night moon had emerged running along the night sky. Moonlight fell on her friend's face illuminating her aura. Those inquiring eyes through those rimmed spectacles.
    And it blurred. She felt warm hands hug her. Her eyes closed. The tears fell. she grasped to hear soothing sounds inclining her. She cried harder, like she had,never before. Shedding all tears she had so long swallowed. As the moon ran behind the dark clouds, the breeze flowed by.. carrying the tears of not one young lady, but two.


"It is tearing up my insides to see him with another girl. To see him love another like how I wanted to be. I still like him hoping against every fact and reason that shines, that shows he is head-over-heels in love with that other girl I feel so jealous of. Of every reason that shows he's in love with another girl and not me. Throughout myself, I feel this searing pain shoot up... like blood flowing through my veins.. except with an illuminating and inflicting feeling. I've tried to come out of it, but sometimes I get so reminded of him, his smile and all that he's said to me.. that I'll transcend on from reality. Fantasy overpowers me and I think of him... Reveries.
                      I still under the stars talking to you.. Strangely, I am not weeping as I do, when I want to cry. I'm writing into you with a sane head, but full of emotions. Not crying, because, there are no more tears for today. I've split it all on her shoulders.. I didn't say a word. But she understood. I was alone and she came there for me. She made me see, I wasn't alone. She told me, she loves me. She said I'll find a boy who'll love me more than anyone else in this world. She said he'll sweep me off my feet...and make me feel like a princess..that He'll understand me more than anyone else..that He'll love me for what I am. And that, he'll replace you.
       I lost myself and felt better. I never knew tears could heal. That crying in someone else's arms could heal even better. I don't know if he'll come by, to love me.. don't know if he'll ever hug me better.
I had never wished for her on my wishing star, but she gave me Her. Probably, the stars know what I need. I only probably know what I want.
Good night.
I love you, Ish!
Daksha. "


No comments:

Post a Comment

What do you think? Go on and write it away!