Mystics of a night

It was an abandoned evening of stars, festivity and gloom. The entire city boomed outside in varying tones of luxury, comfort and necessity. But within where I was, there lay just silence. An eerie silence within the residential complex's road bereft of socializing people. There were just inanimate cars and bikes without an initiated life staring at me. I walked through the moody roads of the place, in eternal distance from thinking, just moving. The lights came up at a regular hiatus throwing it's cone of light through which I merged, between light and the darkness so strewn around, under the waning moon's light. Fresh air, was what I wanted, yet, suffocation was all I felt.

         I slowly made my way through the swiveling gates of the small park the society boasted about. A park that hardly held any light. The little enthusiastic cricketers have always found the lamp posts to be their favorite target, leaving just two sources living, still. The pleasure garden existed there, without any... just merely filling a position, so righteously belonging to another, leaving me to gape at the way I felt about it. Gloomy, dark and mysterious with a certain rhythm and an unknown happiness to it. Just the way I felt.

           I walked through the shifting transient footprints in the sand towards the two swings at the far end of the place. Swings, an object of illusion and reality. Something I could always closely relate to. It gives you the upsurging feeling of flying, legs not hitting the ground.. yet pushes you hard down, to reality and disappointments when you try to touch the sky. I sat on it, kicked the ground hard and under impact I swayed back and forth. I switched on the music on my player and retreated to solitary seclusion of me, my thoughts and a piece of mind. Nothing more.

    Songs played by as I danced to the tunes in my head.. twisting my head and smiling.. intricate dance grooves flowing through my nerves and soul. Seducing and reducing me... the jives on the swing left me gaping at the brilliance of the shining moon.. getting closer in high hopes of reaching the stars soon and then swaying right back into disenchantment.  Gazing around the empty park gave me a sense of reign over the small stretch of area. I played, basking in solitude.... until those kids trotted by.....

           Kids, Full of joy and enthusiasm. In raw forms.. without another quality sticking along with it. Joy meant just joy, anger meant only the same. The only persistent unrealized quality they held with all forms of their crude emotions unlike adults, was innocence. Children, bliss and ignorant..
They played, those four boys that I saw. Hardly aged between eight and twelve.. they were quite a catch to watch. They were just kids, boys.. playing and fooling around, thinking themselves to be the masters of the world they see. They replaced my silence with their shouts and noises. Shouts of joy.

       I watched them with intimate interest.. watching their 'manly' show-offs, which only went in vain.. with my smile. Me, smiling at their idiocies of ecstasy. Their laughs had such a tone that it set off the alarms within me to stop listening to anything around.. but just them and their babbles coated with nothing concealing their true sense. They went around and soon, ended up wrestling. Wrestling against each other.. pitting in their physical strengths and aiming for each others middle, in an unfamiliar idea of being a man. They kept me occupied, their silly fights.. until the fifth one trotted by. From behind me and the silky shadows of the night...

         My dangle, slow in its pace to talk to the breezing winds, while he caught it in total ease. He wrapped his slightly muscular arms around my waist as I squealed in  shock. Unable to see who it is, behind me.. and wrapped around in the warmth of his full hand sleeves rolled upto his arms.. I grew numb. Numb, until he came in front and revealed himself to me. My stranger boy he was. My man. He gave me a gleaming smile and turned up afront holding my hands. Him..
  
     He stood there, in the splendor of the existing golden moon as he moved closer. I wrapped my arms around his corsage of his being there, in total surrender.. as he embraced me, warming me up against all the chilly elements of the night, mind and body. A feeling of magic sprang up through me. I touched him to make sure he was there.. It felt like him and smelt like him. My eyes closed to the reality, I held on to him like a clinging child at her fathers arms. He ruffled through my untied hair.. lifted my chin up. I could look into the brown of his eyes.. the tight lines of his face.. that loosened into a smile. He kissed me on my forehead. It indeed, is him.

           Moving with increasing grace and elegance, he moved to sit by the swing beside me. He kicked his legs into the air moving, up and down.. Competing against each other, we flew high. Talking in soft sounds and curling laughter, he floated on the swing in extreme frivolity.. his laugh fighting through the overgrown locks of his silky hair, filling the air with his aura... This was some boy, I thought, against the shouts of our happiness and conversations so peaceful. Somehow, he left me with crude feelings. Of love, happiness, attraction and company, living individually, co-existing at that particular moment. He had this glint of a mischief monger every time he looked at me, it flashed like a sweeping lighthouse's diamond charms over a lost ship, on deserted waters. Like his did mine. The seducing charms he held, put me in a trance and like a cherry atop an exclusive dessert lay, his soft and gentle kisses on my neck.

    He aroused consciousness in me, as I listened to every word of his soothing talk, every grin of his childish victory and every adorable risqué line, in full knowledge of him being mine. These moments of flying, I don't know how it passed away into the past. I took it all in, without any stop or breach. I was left just looking at seamless form and smile.
     Suddenly, the swing that held him so long swung empty, without a physical presence.It traveled wildly in the air, from the speedy jump into the sands. I turned around to to detect a trace of his disappearance searching around the place with a feeling of frantic loss. Tears flowed without a reason, to find him missing, to think he had deserted me.. It was  probably the blurred vision through wet eyes that missed him. I saw him, a moment later, run towards the company of wrestling brats.. He beamed at them, with a grin so large, as much as his lips could ever take. The smile that broke my heart into a hundred thousand liberated pieces. He ran, fighting with the sand beneath his feet and the ones that got into his shoes. I watched him, still in tears, but with a slight hint of smile as he joined the boys in their fleeting moments of being a man. He was there with those kids, as one.

       He turned around to give me one of his ravishing smiles of victory over one of the kids. I could see, from where I was that he saw my tears. His victory vanished and he ran towards me. Catching his breath, he reached me, to give me a big sweaty hug, in question and reassurance. His smell filled me, the familiar smell of his cologne.. He met my lips with his in full askance for my momentary suspicion of his trust.. I hung on to him, unable to speak, but only to feel.. to feel what he sent across to me. Palpating his trust, love and affection. I sensed his presence.. His lips said he'll be there with me, for ever and ever. In a rapid movement, he broke off the kiss, turning around to push my swing to reach the skies. To such astronomical heights that I grew rather dizzy and had to close my eyes and clutch the chains that binded me to where I was, to keep myself from falling. I hung there, in mid-air, from above a structure so simple, yet, creating sensations so intricate and unexplainable.

    Suddenly the shouts ceased. I opened my eyes to see the boys running around and chasing each other out of the park. I turned around and he wasn't there with me. I looked up and saw a dark shadow run with the kids.. I strained my eyes to see him go, but couldn't get past the silhouette .
        Once again, the music flowed through my so-long-deaf ears. The park shouted silence and darkness. My heart was reassured. My lips were thawed. The silence spoke and I felt alive.

  

An Endless Apology

The sun had just risen above the horizon,
revealing all the darkness surrounding the spherical mass..
The bare legs beneath the tanned body, emerged from the scarce opening, wizened..
from a thatch set upon the sweeping golden sands.
The streaks of nature's canvas mixed against the palette,
spread across the vast sky, throwing its frenzied hues to hit his face,
as he made his way through shifting sands under his feet, his armlet
reflecting colours given forth, reaching his boat, in a quickening pace..
At the shore stood the brave withstander of the storming seas
and the sedated blues and breezy pushes.
He looked at his highest command, in a clear seize
of his own clothing, he wiped her hard to sparkling blushes.
Standing back looking at her in all respect and love,
before getting into what always held him to his life..
He lapped the heavy wooden oars to talk to the skies above
and the waters below, like intimate moments of kisses on the cheeks of one's wife..
Rowing his way through the blue holder, he set about,
speaking to himself and his carrier, like meeting an old friend everyday..
The muscles of his old arms flexed the labored oars, in and out
with sweat tricking down his brow, looking at the passing bay.
For much of the next running hours, he sailed in his expert routine,
with only wistful sighs and pitying soft escapes of laughter..
until he reached the deep waters of the sea so clean,
where he could reach what he is after!
All that lay in his sight was the converging blue of the ocean
and the scattered gold floating, thrown from the sky in all its brightness
He stood up the startling his holder, in all devotion,
to drop the anchor and face the merge, with an floating feel of lightness.
He reached for the folds of his lungi dragging it down to his feet
and bending to gather some of the fleeting gold and blues of the marine..
He lifted it to his forehead as it dripped down his worn out chest, cutting the rising heat,
standing out like diamonds embedded in the soil of the earth, yet just saline.
He said forth, what had been travelling from his vocal cords and heart,
an unknown act, for years of facing the union of the seas and skies..

"Oh Mother!
I hate to do this to you and your brood, to break you apart..
But I am bound, and all I have to offer are soothing lies
to the captured, only soft words to hear as they die..
I'm here killing my own brothers and sisters, oh, I'm cruel I do know,
But what lies within me are only the sighs,
of my everyday treachery, for it now doesn't rest in my blood but flows!
You give me yourself everyday, and all I have to give you in return is my gratitude,
which isn't enough for a sinner, yet, I cant offer you more..
I can only beg your forgiveness, for I hold no other aptitude,
I can't return elsewhere, there is nowhere else to go. I'm only, but sore.
Forgive me my mother, for the lives I separate from you..
Forgive me, for the life I lead, in your unhappiness,a helpless accrue."

The water dripped off through the emptiness in the hands and his eyes so moist..
He lifted his leg backward, deftly catching the end of his cloth..
Bending down in rhythmic fashion, in expertise, so joist,
pulling out blue nets to fool his catch, to meet the school of travelling trots..
In a flash went his hands up in the air, slashing the waters a moment later,
cutting through the bottomless blues, bereft of a single ripple for long,
He sat down at the very edge, like a guilty traitor..
Calling out in the drowning delinquency so ironic, singing his morning song...
.......Waiting.


~Hemu

The Lady at my Table

Canteen, that's where I spent most of my time. Not to eat, but to feel at peace. To feel happy and satisfied like everyone else, there.. to escape from the clutches of the classrooms, studios and teachers who look through their spectacles with such suspicion that you could fall from your stool searching for your fallen pencil.. it's like they push you from there. Early before a session starts and sometimes after a good sleep in the last row... that's where I head to. The college canteen.

                     It's a great place. The canteen. With a small atrium shaking hands with the light, it sort of illuminates my day. Collegemates and classmates sitting around in groups, fighting for their spoon of pasta, the weary canteen boy who is ever in demand, the lovers who always chose to stand under the atrium, banking their weights on the high table, ever smiling and looking into each others eyes ( Holy god only knows what they ever mean by "we talk through our eyes..!"), the best friends who always take a happy stand either shrieking or consoling one another and a few like me. Secluded from the fake appearances and gestures of socialization. It's not that I don't get along with people, only people don't get along with me.  

                There is a table I sit at everyday, which forever creaks under my increasing weight.. A table which many fail to see. At the farthest end of the spacious, exposed brick structure. There it stands, a table.. A chair where I sit and another opposite to me. To one side, I get to see the entire canteen's chaotic capabilities in food, love, friendship and gang wars.. and to the other, there lies a green spread of lawn, sprouting colorful flowers and hiding the existence of a dog and her family of three pups.. Sunlight hits me, not too much, not too shaded either, just the way I like it. With an olive drab shade to the half-hanging bamboo curtain and a few colourful posters, there was nothing that people I saw, found interesting. Just a table and two old chairs. Creaky and lonely, just like me.

  

             That day, I was sitting at my regular, sipping my cup of hot tea along with a book.. I usually read, not because it gives me joy, but because, I don't know what else to do. It is escapade into another world where you are concerned about the character, not yourself.. where you're worried about what is going to happen to him or her, that, there is a momentary loss in the anxieties of your own. It is just a hot cup of tea, a book and yourself, in silence, not from outside, but from inside. Infact, I hear nothing. I feel it isn't worth my time.. to stop looking away from the changing worlds.. I grew deaf to it all. It didn't make me look up.. all those commotions of a birthday party, the cries of the "hot" girls of college, the stupid supposed-to-be-humorous comments of the silly boys, a screaming canteen owner, the sizzling sounds of cooking food and beeping ovens through the open kitchen door... I grew immune to it all. In a way, it told me things were normal. It meant people were at their usual, getting more and more stupid and less logical. Something inside me always said, this, was not what I wanted to hear. Something else it is, but just not this. Not the panic that I hear in their shouts, not the insecure feeling I sense.. Something else, it said inside me, whatever it is, inside me. 

          

               I pored over the book in eternal silence. I read on and on.. until his image struck me. He often did intrude into my happy world, making me feel miserable and useless. He is the boy I like. He is the boy who makes my head swerve in his direction as he walks by. He is my friend and no more than that, yet, my fistful beat my head in this. He is the reason for a lot of my smiles, silent sobs at night and the feeling of emptiness way down till my stomach. Emptiness, as heavy as void probably shouldn't be.. and so I moved around slowly. Beyond all my changing characters, he remained as a constant one. Ever to swift too take over my thoughts, too cute for me to look away and a baby for me to adore. He was all in one. My friend, my baby and my "in-dreams" love of life. There are so many questions in life that I didn't know the answers for. But the one that drove me crazy was this. "So, I do like him.. But does he?" I usually didnt know what to do at times like these. One of my good friends usually said," Yes, you like him. It wasn't a voluntary act that you started liking him.. and it cant be one.. the way you're trying, trying to get him out of your mind. It won't happen.. Let it be, cherish the moment. You may not like him in some time from now.. enjoy the magical feeling until it lasts. " A few other of my good friends want me to tell him! Tell him that I like him! It is going to be something I'll never do in my life, I tell them, everytime that they grew tired of me talking to them about him. They wanted to put an end to the grumbling. I wanted a new beginning.

                   It was one of my "him-struck" times. I was unable to read nor joke around with my friends from the studio.. I sat at 'my' table and stared out at Sasha(that's what I named her!) and her puppies play in eternal jubilation. Lost in thoughts, I came back to earth when I realized my cup of tea has reached its end.. My heart in his thoughts, battling with my mind led me towards a storming headache. I got up, reached for another cup of tea.. The canteen boy, ever too friendly with me, served me first.. Holding the hot paper cup between my thumb and middle finger, I made my way back to my seat. The hot liquid of soothing brown entity had all my concentration, that only after I reached my table and set down the cup of tea, did I realize that there was someone else sitting there.

                 It was a woman of forty-five probably. Her hair was drawn back into a pony tail, just a little longer than mine with her. She wore a purple Kurti and jeans, brandishing a huge black handbag. She was talking over the phone with someone..
"Yeah yeah! I'm right here. Oh, okay. Take your own time! yup.. bye sweetheart."

                   Sweetheart? Who was on the phone? Her child or her husband ? Whoever she is, all that I was concerned was the fact that I had to share a place that I considered only mine. "Damn!",I said over and over again, under my breath,  drinking my cup of tea in extreme interest so that I didn't have to make eye contact with her. Until I heard her speak...

   "Hi! could you please tell me where to get a cup of tea?", she asked.

Wow, here was a lady sitting in the canteen and asking me where we can order a cup of tea. What do I seem like to her? "Over there", I said, politely pointing to the counter.
   She smiled. She had a pretty smile, I have to admit. She got up for helping herself with one of the best tea in the world. The one that my canteen sold. She left her handbag on the table and looked at me... " Could I please leave this here? I'll just go and get my tea and back?" Great, now I was her caretaker as well?
I nodded and she left.
   
     Moments passed before she came back... She was clutching her tea the way I held mine.. in my left hand, gathering all the heat I could, before letting my mouth relish its taste. She sat down and smiled at me. Again. Bham. Her smile, for some reason let me loose all my feelings of distaste for her. I just smiled for a reply.

"Thank you, my dear!", she said.
"My pleasure, aunty!"
"You know, that word keeps reminding me of my age.?"

I was taken aback. I was lost in thoughts of his smile...and hers. they seemed so alike. I didn't expect her to continue a conversation. Well, now that she did, I had to, too. But whatever did she expect me to call her? Dude or something?

"Err.. I'm so sorry. I didnt mean to offend you."
"Aw, knock it my dear. It is my age isn't it..? Just that after coming here and seeing the kids here and all.. I was reminded of my college days. Must be fun for you right? College and all?"

   She seemed nice. Probably I was in too much of a foul mood to have surpassed the goodness of the lady. I smiled... and our conversation struck.

 "Yes, college is indeed nice. Though there are ups and downs.. exams, fights, broken hearts... it's still a place I head to with immense attachment."

"Hmmm..", she replied sipping her cup of tea with an extreme sense of pleasure shining on her face. She paused to look at me, and spoke.. Her voice was probably the "something". I'm surely not immune to it. Just like his voice, that I'd turn to.

".... Broken hearts.. Yes.. You have your heart in pieces, do you, my dear?"

She was wading into deep waters of my personal feelings. Angry as I should have got, I felt nothing. In her presence, for some reason, I felt calm and tranquilized. Like a sedated animal listening to her every word. Her smile had captivated me.

"No," I replied. "Not yet."
" Not yet eh? It is an interesting answer." she casually lifted her cup of tea to her mouth and had it in silence.. only for a moment though.. ".. yes, so, are you in love?"

   I was shocked, not because she had thrown at me, a query so private but because I didn't know the answer myself. I knew I had been evading this question for a very long time, to my own friends, to my diary and to myself. I was scared to make or reach a decision... Decision meant confirmation and acknowledgment. No, I wasn't ready for that yet. Though I had been wanting to talk to someone about it, for a very long time, I didn't, in fear. So, now that she has asked me, do I tell her? Anyway I don't know her, she wouldn't go talking about it behind my back.. so, should I tell her or not?

     Her silky voice cut through my thoughts. I looked up to see her looking at me with concern. Her eyes sparkled behind her specs with an unknown intimacy. "Did I say something wrong my dear? I'm really sorry if I did. You don't have to answer me you know..". she trailed but in a firm voice.

  "No," I said, "You haven't said anything wrong. It's just that I don't know what to say, because I myself don't know the answer."

"Well, then you must find out."

I looked at her. Yes, she was right afterall. I must find out, but how.?

"I see confusion in your eyes.. You don't know what to do. Am I right?"

Bloody right I thought. Of course, I don't know what to do.

"You're right aunty.. I don't know what to do. I like a guy who is my friend.. I don't know if he likes me back."

"Did you take any efforts to find out out?"

"No."

She sighed.

"My dear, if you don't let him know, how do you expect a reply? Answers are given after a question is asked. Statements that you might want, you'll receive only if you initiate the conversation on the terms you want it to go. Why don't you just give it a shot? What sort of a boy is he, anyway?"

   A smile reached my lips. What sort of boy is he? Now, how do I explain that?

"He is a cute guy. A guy who is genuine, who likes me as a friend. He is the type of person who makes others laugh. But he is also the popular one. With totally different tastes from mine. Our beliefs aren't the same."

"Do you think that is reason enough, to not tell him? I think you should tell him. As soon as possible. Probably today."

"I dont think it would ever happen. If I told him and he refuses, I wouldn't be able to bear that pain."

"Well, if you don't tell him at all, it'll swell and burst. Much worse than what this can do to you."

“But, I’m scared aunty.. I don’t know how to face him.”

 "Listen to me my dear, were you ever afraid to talk to him as a friend? Did you think twice when you ruffled his hair, when you thought of him as a friend?"

"Err.. no, I didn't. That was different. This feeling is different."

"No, it's all the same. It is friendship that you're gonna take on to a higher level. Take it from me, I can assure you this much. All you have to do is to go tell him.."

    Now, who was this lady who made me listen to her with such intensity.. What lies in her voice that makes me listen to her, I don't know. Who was she anyway? I collected myself back from my thoughts and spoke to the woman in front of me. The one who seemed to know what she spoke. The one who spoke from her heart. 

  "O.K.. let's look at it this way... I walk up to him, tell him that I love him. What if he says he doesn't love me?"

"Oh, let's look at it this way.. You walk up to him and tell him that you love him... And he says.. Damn, I've been wanting to say the same thing to you for a very long time? "

"This isn't an answer, is it? You just asked me a question back."

"Well, sometimes, questions raise questions. When one is answered, the other automatically answers itself. More like your design, I would say.."

"But.. Aunty, I really don't know what I should do. He lives in every page of my diary, he comes in my dreams, I feel comfortable around him.. I feel like I can act as crazy as a monkey and still not care..because he is one too... He is not like me though, he doesn't read, doesn't really believe in God.. But I somehow have this gut feeling that he is meant to be with me.. but I really dont know how to tell him this."

"What if he is struggling with the same problem?"

""Hmm.. I dont know about it, right?"

"Precisely why I am asking you to go tell him. Think my little girl, when you grow up and turn around looking at all the things that you haven't had the guts to face, you' ll want to face it again.. But then, you might not have the age or youth for it. Some things and people you lose now, you'll never be able to retrieve again!"

"But what if my stakes are high?"

"What would happen if you told him my dear? He'll stop talking to you? If he does so, you are better off without the guy.. and if he says he likes you too.. well and good for you don't you think? And if he refuses and remains the same with you, atleast you are cleared of the confusion in your head, aren't you?"

"Hmm.. you make sense."

"Yes, I do. And it would do you good to listen to me.. oh oh.. why in the world are you looking so drained..? wo... why are you ducking now?" 

"Aww.. Aunty, there he is." Damn, why did I let that slip now? 

Indeed, he had come inside at the wrong time. The bugger, I hadn't seen him for a week now. Heard he wasn't feeling well or something. And he turns up now.. with a charismatic woman next to me, asking me to tell him how I feel about him. Lovely timing indeed.

The ever too eager Aunty wanted to catch a glimpse of my favorite boy. She swerved around to see a hoard of young men standing there... 

"Who is it, my dear lady?",she asked. 

I had given my tongue away. No other choice, I had, but to tell her. 

"That boy there.. in the blue shirt with stripes.. OH oh! He saw me.. Crap!"

Indeed, he was heading to our table. I waved and he waved right back with a broad smile. Oh my god... THAT smile.

"Hi, how are you?", he asked, looking at me. 

"Ha, seems like I should be asking you that. How are you feeling man?"

"Well, you can see me now", he said, outstretching his arms, in  order to offer me a total view of his fit state..."Do I look anywhere near being diseased?"

I couldn't help but smile. "No, you dont."

"Well, so who do we have here?", he asked, looking at my guide for the morning, probably, the rest of my life. They both shared a smile. She looked at him and nodded. The lady in the purple kurti got up giving her seat to my boy. Now, now.. what was happening..? This fellow was beaming too. 

"Oh, I should be off now my dear... And my boy, I'll leave the car here, drive back home soon. Take care..", she exclaimed as she dropped the car keys on the old table. 

  

       She looked at the still surprised me, smiled and said, "You have things to tell my dear, and let me assure you it will all turn out well. Trust me." She winked and turned around and walked towards the exit door, her high pony swinging in the air, in total confidence of its place in air. Now, that is a woman, I say. 

 "Well, you've seen her.. and I'm still here you know?" He was looking at me through his overgrown locks of hair. He had been looking at me.

Wow, so, how long have I been staring at her? 

  "Ah, ha, I'm sorry. And.. Er.. hey! I have something to tell you."

"Wow, so, do I."

"And something to ask...", I added. "You know her?" I asked, pointing at the exiting woman. 

He smiled. 

"Yes", he said... "She is my mum." 

The lady in the purple kurti turned, looked at me and smiled. I looked from her son to her.. Damn, the same smile. She winked again and left.

I laughed. I knew what I had to tell him.

~ Hemu 

Grey

It was a silent night. But she heard through it. The silence spoke, much louder than any noise would. She gripped on to her shawl, pulling it much tighter, upsetting her hair as it flew with the blowing wind, her soft curls being carried along like a feather along its destined path. In the darkness she groped, trying to stay more warm as the bay window revealed the radiance of the full moon above, in total brilliance of the borrowed rainbow.. shooting around it : a halo, and beyond her, dark shadows.The moonlight streamed through the glass panes to catch the sight of her face, looking resigned, in deep contemplation.. thinking along with the waves that crashed the shores, basking in the gold of the sand, that which she was looking through the open windows . White froth lashed in collective efforts to wash the sand off the shore, only to be left alone, to conquer the air inside and the wind outside.. To brave through it, not knowing whether to be let carried away on the outside or burst from inside. Either ways, the air had it's way. She saw her there, as the froth struggling along the beach, not knowing what to do. The intense light refused to hide behind the trees she saw from above her bedroom window. Nothing could hide the light now. She thought she could. She thought. She closed her eyes to see the haziness shine in a more blurred way, in a way she could never comprehend. In a way she'll never overcome. In a way that forced her to open her eyes, to stare at the light hitting her eyes, again.

                       She searched the floor for her slippers, to skip into the cozy bed, to escape into the world of dreams, avoiding light and eloping reality. It was what she had been doing for over a year now. It was a cold and windy night, the open windows welcomed it to bring her out of the warmth of fake illusions. The chimes danced to the wind's love and broke the silence, yet causing the eerie feeling of silence at the same time. The notes soothed her ears and the chill that ran down her spine brought her back to earth, as she proceeded to look for her slippers. Once she got into the smugness of her woolen shoes, she got up leaving behind a warm cushion falling to the cold, meeting the floor. Clutching her pajamas up, she waded through her gloating emotions, to quickly hide behind the covers of the huge empty bed, yet,one that was welcoming. She got in and lay still, afraid that even a twitch of her rosy lips might startle her or push her back into untrue incidents, what she wanted to happen.

              She was scared she would awake him to Starr in her fantasies, as much as she loved seeing him and wanted to see him.She lay wide awake, turning her head only to see him standing there. He was there, her boy. A smiling boy of nineteen standing by the post of the bed, leaning against it, his arms crossed across his chest. He stood there with just one foot resting on the floor, while the other balanced on tiptoes, leaving him in total ease of the surroundings. She didn't find it unusual to see him in her dreams... but to see him stand right opposite to her when the moon was just reaching its pinnacle... It was unbelievable. The midnight sky held to its draping cloak of darkness, only to illuminate him in the faint glow of the golden moon. The rays danced along his form and cast a shadow much bigger than himself, though not bigger than what she saw him as, through her dark brown eyes and the curly bangs of hair falling over her face.
      
         He seemed amused. He stood there staring straight into her eyes with a sense of pride and frivolity, like it was the most normal thing for him to appear there, in her bedroom, beyond midnight. She gaped at the uniqueness of his form, the perfection of his pose and the immaculate smile. She snapped out of her thoughts as his smile broadened into a grin and she sat up, holding on to the warm covers.

  " Whatever are you doing here? It's past midnight!"

He smiled and then she heard him talk. The transcending voice.

  "Is that reason enough for barring me from reaching you?"

He hadn't moved. His smile still remained. She saw his soft and tender face from the tiny bits, to form the big picture, through the translucent curtains. His big picture, one that is of elegance and mischievousness. The sight of a baby clad in the clothes of a man.

"But, whatever is the reason? You've never been here before?"
"I thought I was allowed to barge in?"
"I'm not sure about the details of my giving you permission anytime before."
"You may have your living, conscious reasons to think so, I didn't pass them all!"
"What do you mean?",she asked.

  It was the first time he moved ever since he appeared out of the 'black'. He moved slowly in black shoes that merged well with what she saw beyond, noiselessly. He parted the translucent curtains for him to sit there, right opposite to her, as the light flooded in through thin laces and hit his face... light that had grown intense..As intense as the slackness of his body. He sat there, one leg crossed across, on the bed and the other hanging down for the carpet to feel his touch. The touch she yearned for.

 "When are you going to agree?"

She was taken aback. She realized she had been looking at him for moments, whose transition and pace, she didn't know.

"Uh huh?"
"I said, when are you going to agree?"

It seemed to her that he sang. With the notes of the chimes, with the brilliance of the light and the kisses of the wind.

"When am I gonna agree about what?"
"That you love me, of course!"
"WHAT?"
"You heard me very well. I said you love me."
"Is this a proposal because I...?"
"It's a fact!", he interrupted.

She didnt know how to react. Partly overcome by joy, partly by shock, she succumbed to shock, unable to respond. He leaned against the bed with a pillow playing in his hands, He threw it up and down, each time catching it perfectly at its edge. He stretched his legs fully to the leisureness of the bouncy bed. She saw that his shoes were still on... without a spot of dirt. Just like his soul, perhaps. Her thoughts were broken as the furry pillow hit her on her face, filling her with a momentary joy of his smell....

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just got a little preoccupied in thoughts..." she trailed, searching for a possible reason, worth her thoughts at a time like this.
"... of me!", he completed for her, in absoluteness.
"That is not true!"
"Oh yes, it is."
"I don't understand. You turn up at this hour of the night and tell me things I don't seem to comprehend.. It's really confusing."
"No, it isn't. And anyway, your pretense isn't working with me, so beat out of it."

      "Damn!", she thought. How does he know?!

"I just know, because it shows", he said calmly, like he was explaining basic addition to a two year old...
And you should have known better than that."

She pulled herself together in total defense.

"Stop assuming, mate."
"Ah ha, assumption. That's your area of interest,not mine. "
"What do you mean?", she inquired, frowning.
"I mean, you are the one who makes assumptions. You are the one who assumes that I don't like you. You are the one who assumes that I like her. Yes, I do know that."
"How would you know all this?"
"It shows, in many ways that you don't realize."
"I thought I conceal it very well."
"That's what you think. It doesn't get past me.. all your knotty lies about not loving me, not wanting to kiss or hug me.. I can see it all through those glassy eyes of yours."

She sighed. She hadn't expected a night like this. She wanted a night of dreams where there were no questions, no critical answers lying in wait by the one she loves, no talk. Just the meeting of eyes and the connecting of the souls.
      She looked at the boy who sat across her, who had afforded the luxury of honesty.. who had mastered at catching people in their exact line of thought and yet, the state to stay happy and still. He seemed to know what she thought, what she was going to say and when she was lying. She wondered what to say, thinking of his purpose behind the sudden provocation into acceptance of her love for him.

 "Well, what do you expect me to do now?"
" Accept that you love me."
"Why do you want to hear something you already know? You want to see me go through the troubles and embarrassment of having to face you and say so?"
"I don't want you to tell me... tell yourself."
"You make no sense to me, you know!"
"I can see through all that you do. You need to clear that haze in your head. The only way you can do so, is by facing the truth you already know. Create your moments clearly to tell me what you feel."
"Hmmmm...but..."
"Once your head is cleared of this trash, you can think, not assume. Listen, not just hear, Smile and not sigh in retirement. Wake up."
"I know, I've been trying. It doesn't seem to work with me.."
"That's a lie. A blatant answer to avoid effort. A stupid note to start a song with. Don't expect me to come to you, when you can reach me yourself, or you'll never learn to move."
"But... I...", she stammered.
"I said Wake up... Just wake up."

    His firm voice caught her a captive. She saw the times of expectation and false dreams.. All her "love" life, she had been waiting for him to come to her. Waiting in pain for him to see the spark. Waiting in tears to feel her love. Waiting in vain to experience his care. She hadn't budged. She had just stayed still, in fear, awe and love. She decided it was time to move. She got up..

   " Oh yes, I do love you!" she exclaimed, in the loudest voice she had. In the loudest tone that beat all her inner protests of ego and inferiority complex.
    "Oh yes, I do love you!!!"

It felt great. He smiled.

                                                          ****************

"Pardon me!?", he said.

She saw him stand there right next to her, at an arm's length.

"Uh huh..What?"
"I said pardon me, but I didn't exactly hear what you just said."

She turned around to see broad daylight streaming through the window panes of the classroom. Where was the moonlight?

"Oh oh.. nothing. Just wanted to know if you wanted help with those",she said pointing to his open books on his table.
"Haha, no,but thanks. I'm done. So, you got nothing else to say?"
"Erm... no.."
"Good, so, see you around. Bye!"

  He moved. She stood glued to the grey concrete below. She saw him make his way out of the otherwise empty classroom... into the rays and origins of light. She saw him go, for moments... even after his exit. She stared at the half-open door which lay swinging from the impact of his push. She only, still saw him go.

"So, you didnt move, once again, did you?"

She swerved to face the owner of the voice....  the same voice she had heard before.. His hair danced with the wind that blew across...  His lips twisted into a smile. She turned to look at the swinging door and swung around to see his all knowing smile.
She fainted.

~ Hemu


This was my entry at Saarang Writing Awards 2013



              

I write for you to see...

To think you reside in my thoughts,
as a far away cloud, above my head, yet to pour,
When I just keep staring at you with my eyes fixed up at the sky, beyond my inhibiting knots,
to look at the rolling cottony mass.. All I hope to see is a change in its colour.
This yearn has reached beyond its course of inception,
 and while treading this path, travelling all alone..
I lie in wait for you to change your perception,
of me..for me to enter your special zone.
But, my boy, I still do wonder, how it doesn't show,
How you cant detect the vibes of my vision reaching you..
For I can feel the feeling inside me grow
spreading its tentacles beyond my spread, and through...
I'm scared my dear that this road might lead
to a state of haziness I've never seen before
The fear of you and your smile, Oh! it might supersede,
My own self.. Frightened of not finding me in myself anymore!
Still, I'm willing to go ahead to love you more
for this feeling is magical and new
I'm running along beaches, forests and all ashore
flying with the wind and resting in the leaf's glassy dew..
Still, you cant see that I'm here, waiting for you
that there is a woman trying to see through what you feel
Trying to make up my mind, as the lights reveal to be just dim
I am here waiting for you to see..with just a word's hope. Believe.

~Hemu

Him, Anew.

I saw him from far as he approached from there,

At the line I would call the middle as the path can bear..

With the lights shining hard on his face,

that made him glow along his funny pace..

As my small eyes could see,

I could see him fly towards me..

With a mischievous glint in his eyes

oh, that look that made me go so high!

He carried an elegant walk, shaking his head to a side, so hard..

in a desperate attempt to have the sunlight barred,

which did go in vain, as it still danced along with his hair 

and made him give me a helpless smile of despair.. 

I looked at the brown of his hair, an original black,

like the radiance of love and my sight of him, it did attack...

I looked at him shrug and come close to me, 

Jumping up and down, and a near fall.. in all his glee,

I saw my kid stagger up holding onto the wall 

and with the frolicsome glance, He seemed ready for a friendly brawl..

I turned around and ran a little slow, for him to catch up with me

My boy of happiness did run in all his acme,

and gripped my wrist so tight, that made me want to run fast

Instead I stood there giving in to his strength, unsurpassed..

He held me firm and let his hands do the charm

running his fingers around my waist as I laughed in alarm..

He seemed to have enjoyed the dance as I jumped ;

as his tickles multiplied, an unknown voice in my throat lay as a lump..

As the laughter ceased and the voice started trying to reach,

the air so free, and his heart beating with the beats of the wind across a beach...

He slid his arms around my shoulder and added to it a beam, 

The voice told me He was mine and so it seemed..

As the notes of the sound traveled up my tongue,

he looked at me and waved me a bye unsung..

I watched him go, my friend so anew..

as the sounds chanted a whisper..

 " oh! I so love you! " 

~ Hemu 

The Trance

When in your arms, I danced like never before..
With my heart running wild but my prancing movements so slow!
I stood under the light, for a second and not more,
As my body twisted under your control to catch you smiling at me,
on the dance floor..
The world around me faded,
And in the dim, I saw some light..
The only light that I saw, which was you...
The music didn't cease, I didn't move
Yet in your arms, I saw my legs so limp jump up into the air,
and you carried me, and saw me still..
A lot of faces forgotten,
A thousands of thoughts passed by..
Without the depth being encountered,
Nor acknowledgement for it's momentary presence..
Yet, for all that happened,
The memory of time ticked, remained in the dark shadows of the anonymity.
A collection of mere glances, smiles and whispers, I clutched,
As you led me away from the floor under your feet so colourful
into the darkness of the night and the breeze's message.
I felt your breath upon my neck
I realized the smell of you...
When still in an embrace so tight
there, our lips did meet..
In vivacious energy and the graceful movements,
of the dance that did proceed..
I sank into the ground as an unknown mass of mere flesh
for, my soul went, there, with you.
And only after you opened your eyes to look at me did you realize,
that you were lost too!!!

~ Hemu

Little acts of love

My hand in yours as we walk across a beach's stretch,

basking in the glory of the full moon's rays,

A little look into my eyes.. and a small tilt in your face, 

A moment shared, a happiness so known,I shall see it along the bays...

A day off from our works and fatigue, 

to stand next to the stove, an island of vegetables and wine,

A kiss with the machete cutting away the intrigue

A dinner table for two shared, as we dine.. 

To a gathering as we leave, 

I'd love to stand in front of the mirror as you lean,

To look into the man and woman that we see

in an embrace and a smile of a thousand stars gleaming with love...

A night away into darkness as I sleep,

and to wake up, to find you staring at me,

In full knowledge of the hours that passed

I know that my day is made, by the eyes of yours that I see...

In a festive swing, as we do meet,

People of all classes, yours and mine

to say with pride, that I'm your wife,

To hold my hands and make me dance...

As you fall sick and I do tend,

cancelling every other event, for you look blue

yet when you lie down there, with weary eyes : that do send,

glances of love and a strong,silent thank you..

A tired day followed by an evening nap,

to wake up in the blankets of the night and the door locked tight,

To see a light at the edge of the bed,

You, standing there, as you do give me, from the cake,a bite..

To see you gleam in that candlelight,

with the soft breeze kissing your cheek.,

you look at me as my birthday starts

to endless infinity, a journey, our life so shared..

For you to know that it aches me as I walk

and to press my feet after a dance,

To look at you as I own you as just mine,

And knowing you love sleeping on me, by every single chance...

As a day that leads to the birth of a new one,

To see your eyes water in pain to look at my strain

to wake up from slumber, to see you looking at my face, you own

now you say, A beautiful wife and a pink little gain... 

To  remove framed photographs from a carton packed

to fight over which goes where and later lighter moments we do share,

In reverse, a few steps back. together, in constant rhythm,

our hands over each others shoulders, to glance at an ordered wall...

To hug me in front of my kids and say that you love me more

to help me with my chores and take me out for vacations I love

to travel in a steam locomotive train as it puffs smoke so grey 

Like the colour of our hair, we've grown old, lets say...

Love is here, in these little things so cute

for a kiss on a wedding and a hug so special,

Me in a gown and you in a suit..

It just feels like love out of the notes of a flute...

Hemu 

Why oh Why?!

Oh why do I wonder if he smiles in his sleep, 

Why do I even care if he is alright as moments do leap?

Why do I never cease to think about him,

When he seems like a far away dream, never to come?

Why do I want to ruffle his hair so smooth,

Oh why do I want to kiss him so soft and put him to sleep on my lap,

When all these I see are as illusions like in a long lost nap..

Why do I feel like hugging him so tight,

When I'm there nowhere in his sight..?

Oh why do I feel like only liking him more,

When I'm not anywhere near him, by what I know to be the truth!
When my life,

Is just in my imagination and desires so sore!

Hemu 

An Empty Swing

 Eshana looked at the empty swing surviving the wind, trying to force itself to stay still. It was once an occupied swing, that reached the pinnacle of heights and happiness it could ever reach. There were clear ringing sounds of laughter that filled the air, around those two swings... in that lovely, lonely thicket full of lush green plants, flowers and beetles.

     “It’s our park, Eshu”, she remembered him say to her when they were both ten. “It’s our park, just for us to play, these two swings our thrones and all these plants and beetles, our people.” Kingdom, she thought. A vanished kingdom.

      They were seven when they first met each other. In a cramped autorikshaw full of kids being dropped to school from their houses and back. Ritesh. A young boy in a new city. The age when relationships aren’t given any names or forms. Just a relationship that existed.  He looked around, in a crowded space to see a girl staring at him with big eyes and curly hair like coils of springs, in a very delicate and feminine way. She smiled. His first friend in a new atmosphere. Eshana.

              “Hi! I’m Eshana. What’s your name?” Ritesh looked at the girl in the blue skirt and white shirt looking  through curly locks of hair, with the excitement of seeing someone new.”Ritesh”, he said.

Eshana smiled a meek smile as she thought of her first encounter with Ritesh. A funny looking boy with blue eyes looking around in the complete look of being lost. There was this sense of fear in his voice, a look of being ignored by all that she saw. She felt, then, that a welcoming smile was all he needed to slowly melt it all away and feel at home.

Unknown to her own self, that was the day Ritesh felt at home. New home.

She looked around as she swung to and fro. His face loomed in and out of her view like it once did. So did the empty bogie, the lonely road and the sad subjects of their kingdom.

  The road that they owned. The road that she is now left alone with. It was a road that they chanced upon on their way back from school. A new route that they chanced upon. A road full of trees shading everyone with their protective spread... With yellow and orange flowers strewn in intricate patterns of randomness. It was a road that manufactured locomotive parts and now just a less frequented road for getting across to destinations. Of all the people who went by the path, Eshana and Ritesh saw their lack of observance when they discovered what they did. An unheeded space that became special to them... With two swings, an empty bogie and the plain greenery.

Curiosity it is, of kids to enquire the context never understood. To challenge the existing. And to stand by their convictions. It didn’t take them more than a few minutes to find the old carriage car, immovable for two decades now, behind those huge trees that hid its existence. The beauty of it from, existing and the one it would take, which was overlooked by mere beings bereft of the power of imagination and inquisition.  Just a few yards from the bogie were two swings. Swings intact and in full strength to bear the growing phases of these two children.

        Eshana looked at the carriage car that stood before her. The bogie that they discovered ages back. The car that they re-organized, worked upon in making it a beautiful space to monitor their life that would pass by. She remembered the bright summer morning, during the lazing days of mid-term holidays when they were fifteen. He gazed up at her with his hair falling over the sides of his ears. Hair of the colour of the velvetiness of the dark night sky.  His piercing blue eyes staring intently at her like he was contemplating the feasibility of something. Moments later, the stare just held the look of confidence.

Eshana looked up from her book and enquired, “what?”

“Let’s do something fun, Eshu!’

“Don’t we have fun already?”

“Well, if you do have the same sort of fun every day, what makes today any different from yesterday or tomorrow? Today has to have its stamp of uniqueness and specialty. What say? “

“What do you have in your mind, Rits?”

“Hear me out Eshu! No one bothers about the survival of this place. I doubt if people even know about this spot. Until some kid wanders in search of his partner, to soothe and love and take care of, without the knowledge of his mother, no one is going to come here. This place is ours, isn’t it? Then why not make it seem more like ours?”

“Like how, Rits?”

“Let’s paint the van, let’s plant some more plants, let’s fix the doors and cupboards, let’s sew some curtains and cushions! Let’s make it ours like how we’ve always called it to be.”

       She still saw the impounding energy on his face that day. She saw glazy figures of both of them in front of her eyes, in flashes. The eagerness they shared, the books they read, the secrets they confessed, the games they played and the life they lived. But it happened in front of her now, as illusions, as desires she wanted to happen again. Eshana.

           The wind blew back her curly locks of hair… locks of hair that danced along the smooth pink cheeks that any man would want to kiss. She bent down from the height of her swing to stare into a murky puddle of water. In consecutive circles of ripples, she saw her reflection reach the circumference of the waters only to reach back where it had started, at the centre. Like her thoughts. She evaded his thoughts, his face, his confidence and hugs... Only to come right back to the warmth of it all, till it lasted. She would then feel cold again.

She saw where she sat. On the throne of happiness, that he once called it to be. Now, it felt lonely, with no one to push it, but the wind to help.

She stared at the past, looking at what once happened. It was one of the many other days where and when she ended up crying on his shoulder, at the doorstep of the bogie.  Her first heartbreak.. She cried in his arms for half an hour without stating the reason. He just cajoled her, repeatedly asking her happened to make her cry, beyond his control and hers.

She still remembered like it had happened just a day back.

“He said he doesn’t like me. Oh, I feel so worthless, Rits. Like I’ve never felt before. Useless and stupid.”

      She saw the flare in his eyes. She could see anger. She had seen it before, but not to this extent, where she can see it reflected in her own eyes. It didn’t seem like anger on the guy who made her cry, but anger directed at her. He stood up with immense anger as she slowly removed her head from his shoulders to look at him. He was shaking with anger, as he pulled her up with just force that she had never experienced through his hands before, looked straight into her eyes and slapped her across her face.

Her tears stopped right where it was. She looked, her vision blurred due to her moist eyes. She blinked once to let the two huge drops roll down her red cheeks, to look at the man. The man she saw for the first time. The man at nineteen, with fuming anger in him. She looked at him with strange fright and bewilderment.

“Don’t you say that, ever again? Cry; cry till your eyes turn red. Cry till your water wells dry up. But cry for a reason.  Who is he? That bloke who you’ve been talking about, for the last four months? So what if he doesn’t like you? For, if he can’t see your worth, he is not valuable of your tears, thoughts or energy. Why! Do you see he doesn’t match up to your standards? Don’t you see, he doesn’t see who you really are?”

He walked out, saying so. She still stood there watching him go out of there. A memory etched in her heart. She was still trying to grasp what he just told her. She couldn’t, for he had never walked out on her. He was always there with her, when she cried and never once had he reacted this way. She slowly walked into the bogie, sat on one of the many cushions, trying to give her brain a chance to think while her heart overruled.

     She then heard a creak outside : the creak of a swing, distinct and clear. She walked out expecting him to be swinging on one of their swings in fierce rage and heights. Instead, she saw him, serene, calm and immaculate of any anger. He stood behind one swing. It looked full of life and colour. Bathed in flowers, butterflies and leaves hanging from it... With a jungle look of a throne of a princess so coveted.

“Come here, Eshu. And sit here. We got to talk.”

Eshana walked in his direction, with little fear remaining from his slap. She felt if he smiled, once again, it would be lost to the earth. She turned to the decorated swing with fragrance of the flowers and sat on the swing facing him. He pushed it hard, sending it to the space less conceived. She saw his face looming to and fro…

“Look at me, Eshu. No, look up. Yes. And listen to me now. Like you always have. Like I’ve always listened to you. Learn your worth. You’re a princess. My best companion. It shocks me to know that you don’t realize your own worth. Wake up and see, you idiot. Look at yourself, weigh your value. Appreciate yourself for what you are. You are priceless as you are. Never feel bad or take pity in your own self. Got me?

Every time hereafter, you doubt your own worth, come here. Sit and swing. When you reach the acme of this seat’s ability, when you feel the wind gushing through your face, look around and realize you mean something to me. To this place. To your parents, mine and our subjects. It’s your throne. You’re the ruler. There is no one above you. “

He paused for a while and said, “You’re my best friend Eshu and I can’t see you cry for reasons deemed unfit to shed your tears for.”

She still remembered the smell of him as she hugged him hard, jumping from the moving swing, with no patience for waiting it to reach its point of stillness. His muscled arms wrapped her in a protective embrace as she smiled through her tears of happiness, being loved and cared for. He looked at her, bent gently and kissed her forehead and hugged her back, his chin resting on her head. They knew that each other’s message was conveyed across and that words were no longer needed. That was the first night she slept without any sense of insecurity.

Eshana looked up and faced reality. With a fierce ease, she jumped off the swing while it was still swinging back and fro to, to the heights she loved to reach, defying gravity for that one second. She made her way through the moist blades of grass and reached their hide-out. She sat down on the mattress that lay. The mattress that he last slept on.

It was an evening of few words. He was lying on her lap, trying to sleep. She could see that he couldn’t rest. His eyes kept fluttering, like a language understood just by him.

“What’s wrong Rits?”

She looked at him with a glance that showed she knew. And he saw that she knew..

“Eshu, I don’t feel good. I feel like I’m going to lose something I dearly love. To some abstract factor that I don’t recognize, yet fear. Tell me, what do I do?”

"Sleep, Ritesh.  Things are going to be alright tomorrow. Don’t worry about it now. When it comes to you, when it reaches you, we’ll face it. Yes of course, what did you think? I’d leave you to face it alone? Sleep now.”  And she kissed his forehead, with motherly love and care…

He looked at her, smiled and slept.

As they parted for the night, he got on to his bike with his regular ease of control. Yet, she saw something was amiss. Just, she didn’t know what it was.

“See you tomorrow! Bye Eshu...” he said, but with the same look of insecurity and loss. “Love you.”

He never returned. Mantled remains of his bike lay spread around with his blood smeared on it. That was all she got to see.

      Her head started spinning. She whirled her head back fighting tears and blackness. Suddenly, the black slowly vanished. She saw light filling its space. In the light, she saw a boy. A young boy who knelt by her side, wiping her tears. 

“Don’t” he said.  And embraced her hard, as she cried.

He then suddenly got up and started leaving. She saw him go and realized he had broken free form the embrace she loved and lost herself in… it seemed like he had to leave. Like someone was calling out for him. She ran to the door to see him go. There he was, walking towards some infinite path, in complete confidence as he turned to wave her a goodbye... A soft breeze gushed past his silky hair as she saw him smile.

         She looked up at the sky and heard something that was registered in her senses and emotions”… Until some kid wanders in search of his partner, to soothe and love and take care of….” she saw his eyes from the sky… looking down at her, as if wanting to see her smile and laugh till it can reach there, for him to hear. She closed her eyes for a momentary pause, to see him smile... And then looked out for the kid. But he wasn’t there.

The creak of the swing didn’t stop yet. It still danced with the wind as she got on to the other, to give it the company it sought out for. She kicked her legs into the air as if at some unreasonable loss and sadness, pushed herself back without any ceaseless effort, an action, she enjoyed without the knowledge of time… and as she swung, she let herself cry out aloud. Wailing and laughing. 

Hemu 

My little boy

 I looked at him lay beside me.All his face muscles relaxed and a chest so smooth. His ruffled hair and closed eyes made me run my hand through the silkiness of his face and hair. I could see him smile. It seems like he is in the middle of an intense dream where there was a chance just to smile and nothing else. It seemed like god was playing Lego blocks with him and he beat god with a more massive and intricate structure. It was a smile of triumph and acknowledgement of being let, to win. Like the smile of a three-year old boy who thinks he is the strongest in the world as he beats his father in a game. He didn't know the truth behind his victory: the  selfish satisfaction of the father wanting to see his son win. The smile of a kid. That's all that was wanted.Yet,beyond all this, you know the boy'll melt in his mother's arms and embrace her surrendering himself fully to her. Like he did, in my warmth. That's all I saw.. A little boy. 


      Perhaps that's exactly what made me love him. The little boy that I saw in a wannabe man.Mirth danced in his eyes, evidently.. he had a risqué manner of speech..Still like an event that never happened,  the first time we both met. I didn't know who he was.. We spoke in the full freedom of being strangers sharing a conversation. He was of a different class.. of a different world and different ideas. Outsiders saw two radically different people connected by one word: frivolity. Odd that I started liking him I've never had a crush on any guy who resorts to annoying habits I so detest. I never did. But he caught me somewhere. It was an incursion which stayed in fragments in the heart of mine so lonely. Like the little boy who kissed the stranger's cheek, I as the passing woman sat down on my knees to cuddle the bubbly kid. 


    I was still in the warmth of my bed, Unable to get up as he would be awoken from his encounter with the Angel of Smiles, I lay still, looking at his baby face. The smile wandered back and forth from his mouth and into the thin curves of his cheeks. He lay right there holding my hand tight, still sleeping... smiling...
       .... like a little tot that clings to its mother's clothes, my man, held me in his arms.
I went back a little on time and thought of all the eons that he made me smile. Starry-eyed he was, of hot chicks, a prankster,an imp.. The jolt in me that struck me every single time he spoke to her., the days of jealousy and envy. 
It was a feeling that I stuffed inside me. All that I needed to brighten my day was to see his sparkling face just once.. fooling around and teasing everyone. Kid-like antics, I tell you!


           The feral guy, so cherubic... with horns and a tail as well. Boyish charms. That's where he caught me. Yet over the few of our years together, I've seen a man growing. I see it when we go out alone, a protective force all around me.. I see it when another man looks at me. Yet, when it's just me and him, I fail to place the man anywhere, I can see just the little lad. Just the same little boy of enormous guts who walked up to me in the middle of a large gathering and asked me if I liked him in front of so many of my peers! I still remember the cheers that faded out as I walked out of there. What a day it was! 


I lay and thought of it all. Saw my life go in front of my eyes. I saw those tears, ego and love blinding me. I saw the past,present and future. As they were, as they are and as I wished it to be, with him. He amazed me. With the way he talked, the way his face carried a look of obliteration about me liking him or not, the wide shine of his ardency that left me with the blank feeling of emptiness that I didn't know what to do with... everything about him. It just left me stunned. He seemed like a magical being to me. Yet, like every other human, he did grow sad and angry. As a matter of fact, he possessed the emotional level of a kid. On extreme scales of happiness, sorrow, temper and tantrums... He jumped like a monkey from one to another. But, it is adorable to look at him through it all.. For whatever may a toddler do, he is always looked at  with a feeling of extreme love and adoration.  


     Thinking about it all, questions of what, why, when,who and how never were answered when put as a question to ask me about him... He just walked in and pushed everyone else out!
And when I agreed in the pool of tears I had shed that I loved him too, after months of denial and pretension, for I could take it no longer, He just smiled. The same mischievous, impish smile that made me look at him, twice in a huge crowd of people. The same smile of the little boy who steals another's chocolates.. His clean sweep, pride and elation, all behind that one smile as he embraced me to be his...


         I turned around to look at him staring at me, wide-eyed, into my eyes. Still in the covers of my thoughts, I smiled, looking at that boy... who still looked the same.. as I whispered," Good morning.. You seemed to be very amused in that dream of yours! what did you see?"
He mocked my look and asked if I really wanted to know.. As I gave a nod, he said...
   " I saw a little lass, my dear.. A tiny little one that grew possessive of me..A girl drowning in jealousy as I spoke to another.. I saw the girl I so love.. The small kid whose heart I nearly shattered before I could make her love me too, the little girl that i wooed,. and the girl who said a "yes" to me...She is a little girl, my dear who makes me smile.. 
                                                         
The beautiful little girl who I know is a woman, 
yet to me, who will always remain to be a child!"


I closed my eyes and slept on him as he stroked my hair, with a peaceful smile of knowing... 

~ Hemu