Grey

It was a silent night. But she heard through it. The silence spoke, much louder than any noise would. She gripped on to her shawl, pulling it much tighter, upsetting her hair as it flew with the blowing wind, her soft curls being carried along like a feather along its destined path. In the darkness she groped, trying to stay more warm as the bay window revealed the radiance of the full moon above, in total brilliance of the borrowed rainbow.. shooting around it : a halo, and beyond her, dark shadows.The moonlight streamed through the glass panes to catch the sight of her face, looking resigned, in deep contemplation.. thinking along with the waves that crashed the shores, basking in the gold of the sand, that which she was looking through the open windows . White froth lashed in collective efforts to wash the sand off the shore, only to be left alone, to conquer the air inside and the wind outside.. To brave through it, not knowing whether to be let carried away on the outside or burst from inside. Either ways, the air had it's way. She saw her there, as the froth struggling along the beach, not knowing what to do. The intense light refused to hide behind the trees she saw from above her bedroom window. Nothing could hide the light now. She thought she could. She thought. She closed her eyes to see the haziness shine in a more blurred way, in a way she could never comprehend. In a way she'll never overcome. In a way that forced her to open her eyes, to stare at the light hitting her eyes, again.

                       She searched the floor for her slippers, to skip into the cozy bed, to escape into the world of dreams, avoiding light and eloping reality. It was what she had been doing for over a year now. It was a cold and windy night, the open windows welcomed it to bring her out of the warmth of fake illusions. The chimes danced to the wind's love and broke the silence, yet causing the eerie feeling of silence at the same time. The notes soothed her ears and the chill that ran down her spine brought her back to earth, as she proceeded to look for her slippers. Once she got into the smugness of her woolen shoes, she got up leaving behind a warm cushion falling to the cold, meeting the floor. Clutching her pajamas up, she waded through her gloating emotions, to quickly hide behind the covers of the huge empty bed, yet,one that was welcoming. She got in and lay still, afraid that even a twitch of her rosy lips might startle her or push her back into untrue incidents, what she wanted to happen.

              She was scared she would awake him to Starr in her fantasies, as much as she loved seeing him and wanted to see him.She lay wide awake, turning her head only to see him standing there. He was there, her boy. A smiling boy of nineteen standing by the post of the bed, leaning against it, his arms crossed across his chest. He stood there with just one foot resting on the floor, while the other balanced on tiptoes, leaving him in total ease of the surroundings. She didn't find it unusual to see him in her dreams... but to see him stand right opposite to her when the moon was just reaching its pinnacle... It was unbelievable. The midnight sky held to its draping cloak of darkness, only to illuminate him in the faint glow of the golden moon. The rays danced along his form and cast a shadow much bigger than himself, though not bigger than what she saw him as, through her dark brown eyes and the curly bangs of hair falling over her face.
      
         He seemed amused. He stood there staring straight into her eyes with a sense of pride and frivolity, like it was the most normal thing for him to appear there, in her bedroom, beyond midnight. She gaped at the uniqueness of his form, the perfection of his pose and the immaculate smile. She snapped out of her thoughts as his smile broadened into a grin and she sat up, holding on to the warm covers.

  " Whatever are you doing here? It's past midnight!"

He smiled and then she heard him talk. The transcending voice.

  "Is that reason enough for barring me from reaching you?"

He hadn't moved. His smile still remained. She saw his soft and tender face from the tiny bits, to form the big picture, through the translucent curtains. His big picture, one that is of elegance and mischievousness. The sight of a baby clad in the clothes of a man.

"But, whatever is the reason? You've never been here before?"
"I thought I was allowed to barge in?"
"I'm not sure about the details of my giving you permission anytime before."
"You may have your living, conscious reasons to think so, I didn't pass them all!"
"What do you mean?",she asked.

  It was the first time he moved ever since he appeared out of the 'black'. He moved slowly in black shoes that merged well with what she saw beyond, noiselessly. He parted the translucent curtains for him to sit there, right opposite to her, as the light flooded in through thin laces and hit his face... light that had grown intense..As intense as the slackness of his body. He sat there, one leg crossed across, on the bed and the other hanging down for the carpet to feel his touch. The touch she yearned for.

 "When are you going to agree?"

She was taken aback. She realized she had been looking at him for moments, whose transition and pace, she didn't know.

"Uh huh?"
"I said, when are you going to agree?"

It seemed to her that he sang. With the notes of the chimes, with the brilliance of the light and the kisses of the wind.

"When am I gonna agree about what?"
"That you love me, of course!"
"WHAT?"
"You heard me very well. I said you love me."
"Is this a proposal because I...?"
"It's a fact!", he interrupted.

She didnt know how to react. Partly overcome by joy, partly by shock, she succumbed to shock, unable to respond. He leaned against the bed with a pillow playing in his hands, He threw it up and down, each time catching it perfectly at its edge. He stretched his legs fully to the leisureness of the bouncy bed. She saw that his shoes were still on... without a spot of dirt. Just like his soul, perhaps. Her thoughts were broken as the furry pillow hit her on her face, filling her with a momentary joy of his smell....

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just got a little preoccupied in thoughts..." she trailed, searching for a possible reason, worth her thoughts at a time like this.
"... of me!", he completed for her, in absoluteness.
"That is not true!"
"Oh yes, it is."
"I don't understand. You turn up at this hour of the night and tell me things I don't seem to comprehend.. It's really confusing."
"No, it isn't. And anyway, your pretense isn't working with me, so beat out of it."

      "Damn!", she thought. How does he know?!

"I just know, because it shows", he said calmly, like he was explaining basic addition to a two year old...
And you should have known better than that."

She pulled herself together in total defense.

"Stop assuming, mate."
"Ah ha, assumption. That's your area of interest,not mine. "
"What do you mean?", she inquired, frowning.
"I mean, you are the one who makes assumptions. You are the one who assumes that I don't like you. You are the one who assumes that I like her. Yes, I do know that."
"How would you know all this?"
"It shows, in many ways that you don't realize."
"I thought I conceal it very well."
"That's what you think. It doesn't get past me.. all your knotty lies about not loving me, not wanting to kiss or hug me.. I can see it all through those glassy eyes of yours."

She sighed. She hadn't expected a night like this. She wanted a night of dreams where there were no questions, no critical answers lying in wait by the one she loves, no talk. Just the meeting of eyes and the connecting of the souls.
      She looked at the boy who sat across her, who had afforded the luxury of honesty.. who had mastered at catching people in their exact line of thought and yet, the state to stay happy and still. He seemed to know what she thought, what she was going to say and when she was lying. She wondered what to say, thinking of his purpose behind the sudden provocation into acceptance of her love for him.

 "Well, what do you expect me to do now?"
" Accept that you love me."
"Why do you want to hear something you already know? You want to see me go through the troubles and embarrassment of having to face you and say so?"
"I don't want you to tell me... tell yourself."
"You make no sense to me, you know!"
"I can see through all that you do. You need to clear that haze in your head. The only way you can do so, is by facing the truth you already know. Create your moments clearly to tell me what you feel."
"Hmmmm...but..."
"Once your head is cleared of this trash, you can think, not assume. Listen, not just hear, Smile and not sigh in retirement. Wake up."
"I know, I've been trying. It doesn't seem to work with me.."
"That's a lie. A blatant answer to avoid effort. A stupid note to start a song with. Don't expect me to come to you, when you can reach me yourself, or you'll never learn to move."
"But... I...", she stammered.
"I said Wake up... Just wake up."

    His firm voice caught her a captive. She saw the times of expectation and false dreams.. All her "love" life, she had been waiting for him to come to her. Waiting in pain for him to see the spark. Waiting in tears to feel her love. Waiting in vain to experience his care. She hadn't budged. She had just stayed still, in fear, awe and love. She decided it was time to move. She got up..

   " Oh yes, I do love you!" she exclaimed, in the loudest voice she had. In the loudest tone that beat all her inner protests of ego and inferiority complex.
    "Oh yes, I do love you!!!"

It felt great. He smiled.

                                                          ****************

"Pardon me!?", he said.

She saw him stand there right next to her, at an arm's length.

"Uh huh..What?"
"I said pardon me, but I didn't exactly hear what you just said."

She turned around to see broad daylight streaming through the window panes of the classroom. Where was the moonlight?

"Oh oh.. nothing. Just wanted to know if you wanted help with those",she said pointing to his open books on his table.
"Haha, no,but thanks. I'm done. So, you got nothing else to say?"
"Erm... no.."
"Good, so, see you around. Bye!"

  He moved. She stood glued to the grey concrete below. She saw him make his way out of the otherwise empty classroom... into the rays and origins of light. She saw him go, for moments... even after his exit. She stared at the half-open door which lay swinging from the impact of his push. She only, still saw him go.

"So, you didnt move, once again, did you?"

She swerved to face the owner of the voice....  the same voice she had heard before.. His hair danced with the wind that blew across...  His lips twisted into a smile. She turned to look at the swinging door and swung around to see his all knowing smile.
She fainted.

~ Hemu


This was my entry at Saarang Writing Awards 2013



              

I write for you to see...

To think you reside in my thoughts,
as a far away cloud, above my head, yet to pour,
When I just keep staring at you with my eyes fixed up at the sky, beyond my inhibiting knots,
to look at the rolling cottony mass.. All I hope to see is a change in its colour.
This yearn has reached beyond its course of inception,
 and while treading this path, travelling all alone..
I lie in wait for you to change your perception,
of me..for me to enter your special zone.
But, my boy, I still do wonder, how it doesn't show,
How you cant detect the vibes of my vision reaching you..
For I can feel the feeling inside me grow
spreading its tentacles beyond my spread, and through...
I'm scared my dear that this road might lead
to a state of haziness I've never seen before
The fear of you and your smile, Oh! it might supersede,
My own self.. Frightened of not finding me in myself anymore!
Still, I'm willing to go ahead to love you more
for this feeling is magical and new
I'm running along beaches, forests and all ashore
flying with the wind and resting in the leaf's glassy dew..
Still, you cant see that I'm here, waiting for you
that there is a woman trying to see through what you feel
Trying to make up my mind, as the lights reveal to be just dim
I am here waiting for you to see..with just a word's hope. Believe.

~Hemu

Him, Anew.

I saw him from far as he approached from there,

At the line I would call the middle as the path can bear..

With the lights shining hard on his face,

that made him glow along his funny pace..

As my small eyes could see,

I could see him fly towards me..

With a mischievous glint in his eyes

oh, that look that made me go so high!

He carried an elegant walk, shaking his head to a side, so hard..

in a desperate attempt to have the sunlight barred,

which did go in vain, as it still danced along with his hair 

and made him give me a helpless smile of despair.. 

I looked at the brown of his hair, an original black,

like the radiance of love and my sight of him, it did attack...

I looked at him shrug and come close to me, 

Jumping up and down, and a near fall.. in all his glee,

I saw my kid stagger up holding onto the wall 

and with the frolicsome glance, He seemed ready for a friendly brawl..

I turned around and ran a little slow, for him to catch up with me

My boy of happiness did run in all his acme,

and gripped my wrist so tight, that made me want to run fast

Instead I stood there giving in to his strength, unsurpassed..

He held me firm and let his hands do the charm

running his fingers around my waist as I laughed in alarm..

He seemed to have enjoyed the dance as I jumped ;

as his tickles multiplied, an unknown voice in my throat lay as a lump..

As the laughter ceased and the voice started trying to reach,

the air so free, and his heart beating with the beats of the wind across a beach...

He slid his arms around my shoulder and added to it a beam, 

The voice told me He was mine and so it seemed..

As the notes of the sound traveled up my tongue,

he looked at me and waved me a bye unsung..

I watched him go, my friend so anew..

as the sounds chanted a whisper..

 " oh! I so love you! " 

~ Hemu 

The Trance

When in your arms, I danced like never before..
With my heart running wild but my prancing movements so slow!
I stood under the light, for a second and not more,
As my body twisted under your control to catch you smiling at me,
on the dance floor..
The world around me faded,
And in the dim, I saw some light..
The only light that I saw, which was you...
The music didn't cease, I didn't move
Yet in your arms, I saw my legs so limp jump up into the air,
and you carried me, and saw me still..
A lot of faces forgotten,
A thousands of thoughts passed by..
Without the depth being encountered,
Nor acknowledgement for it's momentary presence..
Yet, for all that happened,
The memory of time ticked, remained in the dark shadows of the anonymity.
A collection of mere glances, smiles and whispers, I clutched,
As you led me away from the floor under your feet so colourful
into the darkness of the night and the breeze's message.
I felt your breath upon my neck
I realized the smell of you...
When still in an embrace so tight
there, our lips did meet..
In vivacious energy and the graceful movements,
of the dance that did proceed..
I sank into the ground as an unknown mass of mere flesh
for, my soul went, there, with you.
And only after you opened your eyes to look at me did you realize,
that you were lost too!!!

~ Hemu

Little acts of love

My hand in yours as we walk across a beach's stretch,

basking in the glory of the full moon's rays,

A little look into my eyes.. and a small tilt in your face, 

A moment shared, a happiness so known,I shall see it along the bays...

A day off from our works and fatigue, 

to stand next to the stove, an island of vegetables and wine,

A kiss with the machete cutting away the intrigue

A dinner table for two shared, as we dine.. 

To a gathering as we leave, 

I'd love to stand in front of the mirror as you lean,

To look into the man and woman that we see

in an embrace and a smile of a thousand stars gleaming with love...

A night away into darkness as I sleep,

and to wake up, to find you staring at me,

In full knowledge of the hours that passed

I know that my day is made, by the eyes of yours that I see...

In a festive swing, as we do meet,

People of all classes, yours and mine

to say with pride, that I'm your wife,

To hold my hands and make me dance...

As you fall sick and I do tend,

cancelling every other event, for you look blue

yet when you lie down there, with weary eyes : that do send,

glances of love and a strong,silent thank you..

A tired day followed by an evening nap,

to wake up in the blankets of the night and the door locked tight,

To see a light at the edge of the bed,

You, standing there, as you do give me, from the cake,a bite..

To see you gleam in that candlelight,

with the soft breeze kissing your cheek.,

you look at me as my birthday starts

to endless infinity, a journey, our life so shared..

For you to know that it aches me as I walk

and to press my feet after a dance,

To look at you as I own you as just mine,

And knowing you love sleeping on me, by every single chance...

As a day that leads to the birth of a new one,

To see your eyes water in pain to look at my strain

to wake up from slumber, to see you looking at my face, you own

now you say, A beautiful wife and a pink little gain... 

To  remove framed photographs from a carton packed

to fight over which goes where and later lighter moments we do share,

In reverse, a few steps back. together, in constant rhythm,

our hands over each others shoulders, to glance at an ordered wall...

To hug me in front of my kids and say that you love me more

to help me with my chores and take me out for vacations I love

to travel in a steam locomotive train as it puffs smoke so grey 

Like the colour of our hair, we've grown old, lets say...

Love is here, in these little things so cute

for a kiss on a wedding and a hug so special,

Me in a gown and you in a suit..

It just feels like love out of the notes of a flute...

Hemu 

Why oh Why?!

Oh why do I wonder if he smiles in his sleep, 

Why do I even care if he is alright as moments do leap?

Why do I never cease to think about him,

When he seems like a far away dream, never to come?

Why do I want to ruffle his hair so smooth,

Oh why do I want to kiss him so soft and put him to sleep on my lap,

When all these I see are as illusions like in a long lost nap..

Why do I feel like hugging him so tight,

When I'm there nowhere in his sight..?

Oh why do I feel like only liking him more,

When I'm not anywhere near him, by what I know to be the truth!
When my life,

Is just in my imagination and desires so sore!

Hemu 

An Empty Swing

 Eshana looked at the empty swing surviving the wind, trying to force itself to stay still. It was once an occupied swing, that reached the pinnacle of heights and happiness it could ever reach. There were clear ringing sounds of laughter that filled the air, around those two swings... in that lovely, lonely thicket full of lush green plants, flowers and beetles.

     “It’s our park, Eshu”, she remembered him say to her when they were both ten. “It’s our park, just for us to play, these two swings our thrones and all these plants and beetles, our people.” Kingdom, she thought. A vanished kingdom.

      They were seven when they first met each other. In a cramped autorikshaw full of kids being dropped to school from their houses and back. Ritesh. A young boy in a new city. The age when relationships aren’t given any names or forms. Just a relationship that existed.  He looked around, in a crowded space to see a girl staring at him with big eyes and curly hair like coils of springs, in a very delicate and feminine way. She smiled. His first friend in a new atmosphere. Eshana.

              “Hi! I’m Eshana. What’s your name?” Ritesh looked at the girl in the blue skirt and white shirt looking  through curly locks of hair, with the excitement of seeing someone new.”Ritesh”, he said.

Eshana smiled a meek smile as she thought of her first encounter with Ritesh. A funny looking boy with blue eyes looking around in the complete look of being lost. There was this sense of fear in his voice, a look of being ignored by all that she saw. She felt, then, that a welcoming smile was all he needed to slowly melt it all away and feel at home.

Unknown to her own self, that was the day Ritesh felt at home. New home.

She looked around as she swung to and fro. His face loomed in and out of her view like it once did. So did the empty bogie, the lonely road and the sad subjects of their kingdom.

  The road that they owned. The road that she is now left alone with. It was a road that they chanced upon on their way back from school. A new route that they chanced upon. A road full of trees shading everyone with their protective spread... With yellow and orange flowers strewn in intricate patterns of randomness. It was a road that manufactured locomotive parts and now just a less frequented road for getting across to destinations. Of all the people who went by the path, Eshana and Ritesh saw their lack of observance when they discovered what they did. An unheeded space that became special to them... With two swings, an empty bogie and the plain greenery.

Curiosity it is, of kids to enquire the context never understood. To challenge the existing. And to stand by their convictions. It didn’t take them more than a few minutes to find the old carriage car, immovable for two decades now, behind those huge trees that hid its existence. The beauty of it from, existing and the one it would take, which was overlooked by mere beings bereft of the power of imagination and inquisition.  Just a few yards from the bogie were two swings. Swings intact and in full strength to bear the growing phases of these two children.

        Eshana looked at the carriage car that stood before her. The bogie that they discovered ages back. The car that they re-organized, worked upon in making it a beautiful space to monitor their life that would pass by. She remembered the bright summer morning, during the lazing days of mid-term holidays when they were fifteen. He gazed up at her with his hair falling over the sides of his ears. Hair of the colour of the velvetiness of the dark night sky.  His piercing blue eyes staring intently at her like he was contemplating the feasibility of something. Moments later, the stare just held the look of confidence.

Eshana looked up from her book and enquired, “what?”

“Let’s do something fun, Eshu!’

“Don’t we have fun already?”

“Well, if you do have the same sort of fun every day, what makes today any different from yesterday or tomorrow? Today has to have its stamp of uniqueness and specialty. What say? “

“What do you have in your mind, Rits?”

“Hear me out Eshu! No one bothers about the survival of this place. I doubt if people even know about this spot. Until some kid wanders in search of his partner, to soothe and love and take care of, without the knowledge of his mother, no one is going to come here. This place is ours, isn’t it? Then why not make it seem more like ours?”

“Like how, Rits?”

“Let’s paint the van, let’s plant some more plants, let’s fix the doors and cupboards, let’s sew some curtains and cushions! Let’s make it ours like how we’ve always called it to be.”

       She still saw the impounding energy on his face that day. She saw glazy figures of both of them in front of her eyes, in flashes. The eagerness they shared, the books they read, the secrets they confessed, the games they played and the life they lived. But it happened in front of her now, as illusions, as desires she wanted to happen again. Eshana.

           The wind blew back her curly locks of hair… locks of hair that danced along the smooth pink cheeks that any man would want to kiss. She bent down from the height of her swing to stare into a murky puddle of water. In consecutive circles of ripples, she saw her reflection reach the circumference of the waters only to reach back where it had started, at the centre. Like her thoughts. She evaded his thoughts, his face, his confidence and hugs... Only to come right back to the warmth of it all, till it lasted. She would then feel cold again.

She saw where she sat. On the throne of happiness, that he once called it to be. Now, it felt lonely, with no one to push it, but the wind to help.

She stared at the past, looking at what once happened. It was one of the many other days where and when she ended up crying on his shoulder, at the doorstep of the bogie.  Her first heartbreak.. She cried in his arms for half an hour without stating the reason. He just cajoled her, repeatedly asking her happened to make her cry, beyond his control and hers.

She still remembered like it had happened just a day back.

“He said he doesn’t like me. Oh, I feel so worthless, Rits. Like I’ve never felt before. Useless and stupid.”

      She saw the flare in his eyes. She could see anger. She had seen it before, but not to this extent, where she can see it reflected in her own eyes. It didn’t seem like anger on the guy who made her cry, but anger directed at her. He stood up with immense anger as she slowly removed her head from his shoulders to look at him. He was shaking with anger, as he pulled her up with just force that she had never experienced through his hands before, looked straight into her eyes and slapped her across her face.

Her tears stopped right where it was. She looked, her vision blurred due to her moist eyes. She blinked once to let the two huge drops roll down her red cheeks, to look at the man. The man she saw for the first time. The man at nineteen, with fuming anger in him. She looked at him with strange fright and bewilderment.

“Don’t you say that, ever again? Cry; cry till your eyes turn red. Cry till your water wells dry up. But cry for a reason.  Who is he? That bloke who you’ve been talking about, for the last four months? So what if he doesn’t like you? For, if he can’t see your worth, he is not valuable of your tears, thoughts or energy. Why! Do you see he doesn’t match up to your standards? Don’t you see, he doesn’t see who you really are?”

He walked out, saying so. She still stood there watching him go out of there. A memory etched in her heart. She was still trying to grasp what he just told her. She couldn’t, for he had never walked out on her. He was always there with her, when she cried and never once had he reacted this way. She slowly walked into the bogie, sat on one of the many cushions, trying to give her brain a chance to think while her heart overruled.

     She then heard a creak outside : the creak of a swing, distinct and clear. She walked out expecting him to be swinging on one of their swings in fierce rage and heights. Instead, she saw him, serene, calm and immaculate of any anger. He stood behind one swing. It looked full of life and colour. Bathed in flowers, butterflies and leaves hanging from it... With a jungle look of a throne of a princess so coveted.

“Come here, Eshu. And sit here. We got to talk.”

Eshana walked in his direction, with little fear remaining from his slap. She felt if he smiled, once again, it would be lost to the earth. She turned to the decorated swing with fragrance of the flowers and sat on the swing facing him. He pushed it hard, sending it to the space less conceived. She saw his face looming to and fro…

“Look at me, Eshu. No, look up. Yes. And listen to me now. Like you always have. Like I’ve always listened to you. Learn your worth. You’re a princess. My best companion. It shocks me to know that you don’t realize your own worth. Wake up and see, you idiot. Look at yourself, weigh your value. Appreciate yourself for what you are. You are priceless as you are. Never feel bad or take pity in your own self. Got me?

Every time hereafter, you doubt your own worth, come here. Sit and swing. When you reach the acme of this seat’s ability, when you feel the wind gushing through your face, look around and realize you mean something to me. To this place. To your parents, mine and our subjects. It’s your throne. You’re the ruler. There is no one above you. “

He paused for a while and said, “You’re my best friend Eshu and I can’t see you cry for reasons deemed unfit to shed your tears for.”

She still remembered the smell of him as she hugged him hard, jumping from the moving swing, with no patience for waiting it to reach its point of stillness. His muscled arms wrapped her in a protective embrace as she smiled through her tears of happiness, being loved and cared for. He looked at her, bent gently and kissed her forehead and hugged her back, his chin resting on her head. They knew that each other’s message was conveyed across and that words were no longer needed. That was the first night she slept without any sense of insecurity.

Eshana looked up and faced reality. With a fierce ease, she jumped off the swing while it was still swinging back and fro to, to the heights she loved to reach, defying gravity for that one second. She made her way through the moist blades of grass and reached their hide-out. She sat down on the mattress that lay. The mattress that he last slept on.

It was an evening of few words. He was lying on her lap, trying to sleep. She could see that he couldn’t rest. His eyes kept fluttering, like a language understood just by him.

“What’s wrong Rits?”

She looked at him with a glance that showed she knew. And he saw that she knew..

“Eshu, I don’t feel good. I feel like I’m going to lose something I dearly love. To some abstract factor that I don’t recognize, yet fear. Tell me, what do I do?”

"Sleep, Ritesh.  Things are going to be alright tomorrow. Don’t worry about it now. When it comes to you, when it reaches you, we’ll face it. Yes of course, what did you think? I’d leave you to face it alone? Sleep now.”  And she kissed his forehead, with motherly love and care…

He looked at her, smiled and slept.

As they parted for the night, he got on to his bike with his regular ease of control. Yet, she saw something was amiss. Just, she didn’t know what it was.

“See you tomorrow! Bye Eshu...” he said, but with the same look of insecurity and loss. “Love you.”

He never returned. Mantled remains of his bike lay spread around with his blood smeared on it. That was all she got to see.

      Her head started spinning. She whirled her head back fighting tears and blackness. Suddenly, the black slowly vanished. She saw light filling its space. In the light, she saw a boy. A young boy who knelt by her side, wiping her tears. 

“Don’t” he said.  And embraced her hard, as she cried.

He then suddenly got up and started leaving. She saw him go and realized he had broken free form the embrace she loved and lost herself in… it seemed like he had to leave. Like someone was calling out for him. She ran to the door to see him go. There he was, walking towards some infinite path, in complete confidence as he turned to wave her a goodbye... A soft breeze gushed past his silky hair as she saw him smile.

         She looked up at the sky and heard something that was registered in her senses and emotions”… Until some kid wanders in search of his partner, to soothe and love and take care of….” she saw his eyes from the sky… looking down at her, as if wanting to see her smile and laugh till it can reach there, for him to hear. She closed her eyes for a momentary pause, to see him smile... And then looked out for the kid. But he wasn’t there.

The creak of the swing didn’t stop yet. It still danced with the wind as she got on to the other, to give it the company it sought out for. She kicked her legs into the air as if at some unreasonable loss and sadness, pushed herself back without any ceaseless effort, an action, she enjoyed without the knowledge of time… and as she swung, she let herself cry out aloud. Wailing and laughing. 

Hemu 

My little boy

 I looked at him lay beside me.All his face muscles relaxed and a chest so smooth. His ruffled hair and closed eyes made me run my hand through the silkiness of his face and hair. I could see him smile. It seems like he is in the middle of an intense dream where there was a chance just to smile and nothing else. It seemed like god was playing Lego blocks with him and he beat god with a more massive and intricate structure. It was a smile of triumph and acknowledgement of being let, to win. Like the smile of a three-year old boy who thinks he is the strongest in the world as he beats his father in a game. He didn't know the truth behind his victory: the  selfish satisfaction of the father wanting to see his son win. The smile of a kid. That's all that was wanted.Yet,beyond all this, you know the boy'll melt in his mother's arms and embrace her surrendering himself fully to her. Like he did, in my warmth. That's all I saw.. A little boy. 


      Perhaps that's exactly what made me love him. The little boy that I saw in a wannabe man.Mirth danced in his eyes, evidently.. he had a risqué manner of speech..Still like an event that never happened,  the first time we both met. I didn't know who he was.. We spoke in the full freedom of being strangers sharing a conversation. He was of a different class.. of a different world and different ideas. Outsiders saw two radically different people connected by one word: frivolity. Odd that I started liking him I've never had a crush on any guy who resorts to annoying habits I so detest. I never did. But he caught me somewhere. It was an incursion which stayed in fragments in the heart of mine so lonely. Like the little boy who kissed the stranger's cheek, I as the passing woman sat down on my knees to cuddle the bubbly kid. 


    I was still in the warmth of my bed, Unable to get up as he would be awoken from his encounter with the Angel of Smiles, I lay still, looking at his baby face. The smile wandered back and forth from his mouth and into the thin curves of his cheeks. He lay right there holding my hand tight, still sleeping... smiling...
       .... like a little tot that clings to its mother's clothes, my man, held me in his arms.
I went back a little on time and thought of all the eons that he made me smile. Starry-eyed he was, of hot chicks, a prankster,an imp.. The jolt in me that struck me every single time he spoke to her., the days of jealousy and envy. 
It was a feeling that I stuffed inside me. All that I needed to brighten my day was to see his sparkling face just once.. fooling around and teasing everyone. Kid-like antics, I tell you!


           The feral guy, so cherubic... with horns and a tail as well. Boyish charms. That's where he caught me. Yet over the few of our years together, I've seen a man growing. I see it when we go out alone, a protective force all around me.. I see it when another man looks at me. Yet, when it's just me and him, I fail to place the man anywhere, I can see just the little lad. Just the same little boy of enormous guts who walked up to me in the middle of a large gathering and asked me if I liked him in front of so many of my peers! I still remember the cheers that faded out as I walked out of there. What a day it was! 


I lay and thought of it all. Saw my life go in front of my eyes. I saw those tears, ego and love blinding me. I saw the past,present and future. As they were, as they are and as I wished it to be, with him. He amazed me. With the way he talked, the way his face carried a look of obliteration about me liking him or not, the wide shine of his ardency that left me with the blank feeling of emptiness that I didn't know what to do with... everything about him. It just left me stunned. He seemed like a magical being to me. Yet, like every other human, he did grow sad and angry. As a matter of fact, he possessed the emotional level of a kid. On extreme scales of happiness, sorrow, temper and tantrums... He jumped like a monkey from one to another. But, it is adorable to look at him through it all.. For whatever may a toddler do, he is always looked at  with a feeling of extreme love and adoration.  


     Thinking about it all, questions of what, why, when,who and how never were answered when put as a question to ask me about him... He just walked in and pushed everyone else out!
And when I agreed in the pool of tears I had shed that I loved him too, after months of denial and pretension, for I could take it no longer, He just smiled. The same mischievous, impish smile that made me look at him, twice in a huge crowd of people. The same smile of the little boy who steals another's chocolates.. His clean sweep, pride and elation, all behind that one smile as he embraced me to be his...


         I turned around to look at him staring at me, wide-eyed, into my eyes. Still in the covers of my thoughts, I smiled, looking at that boy... who still looked the same.. as I whispered," Good morning.. You seemed to be very amused in that dream of yours! what did you see?"
He mocked my look and asked if I really wanted to know.. As I gave a nod, he said...
   " I saw a little lass, my dear.. A tiny little one that grew possessive of me..A girl drowning in jealousy as I spoke to another.. I saw the girl I so love.. The small kid whose heart I nearly shattered before I could make her love me too, the little girl that i wooed,. and the girl who said a "yes" to me...She is a little girl, my dear who makes me smile.. 
                                                         
The beautiful little girl who I know is a woman, 
yet to me, who will always remain to be a child!"


I closed my eyes and slept on him as he stroked my hair, with a peaceful smile of knowing... 

~ Hemu 

Unrealized Smiles, tears and thoughts! The beauty of it!!!

Why do babies smile in their dreams? What do they see? I set this up as my status on Facebook and received a few interesting feedback. One being a belief that god plays with the babies in their dreams, and hence they smile.

          It sounded magical to me.. Probably even true, who knows! There something nice about little things, not very true.. but highly inspiring. It seems very obvious that God wouldn't come in our dreams to play with us, I just wonder why! Did God come in our dreams when we were young? I got no clue. Seems like a distant part of you, doest it? Childhood?!

   We flip through old photos and realize how cute we looked back then. We listen to our parents and relatives relate our antics in detail.. Making us feel like we were the most mischievous kid ever on earth, and hey! THAT is taken as a compliment...Now! you feel happy about it don't you? 

  Probably the only time when we think, yet don't realize the value of our thoughts. Why? We were not trained to think if our thoughts are right or wrong?! We just think, blurt it out loud, sleep, cry and smile. No worries, no tensions.. We didn't create any of it for ourselves.

   The purest stage of mankind when we posed for a photo, yet never knew we did, never worried about how  we looked when it was taken.,nor did we bother when we were showed the photo in a couple of weeks. It was innocence, taking us over, inside out. 

  That's the best part about being a kid.. Being able to say what you think about people without bothering about their reactions("Oh Aunty, I think you look as fat as an elephant!"), not having to lie("Hi uncle, Dad asks me to say he is not at home"), smiling or crying whenever you feel like-both being equally adored...

    I can only wish now that I could remember whatever it was, my line of thoughts... whether God really did play with me in my dream.. or if I just smiled for no reason at all... The most brilliant part of all this is the unstirred innocence, purity and the beauty of it. Living at that particular moment to the fullest, not even realizing what it was that made us happy or sad back then, and not having to worry about the future. Past, or future, it doesn't stay or get created in the memory..

  Coz If it did, we would have strangled its beauty! 

  

Hemu 

Rediscovered

In an unprecedented place she stood, 

with the wind blowing against her face..

curly locks dancing with the wind

and small eyes that played with the crimson rays..

that fell with a silent touch on her

Illuminating the rock she stood on,

girl that she was, saw the world 

which from its bounty, 

showed her the way to love and life.

Not holding back with any reins..

like a wild horse, venturing into the unknown lands and hearts, all alone.

Without a caution or doubt,she smiled.

A genuine smile that seemed to melt people's heart...

All that was seen behind those rosy lips were happiness and innocence...

Talking without fear and radiating fierce goodness

a journey she had, 

trusting all, on her way.. Not realizing hurt,

through lovely roads of fresh meadows, colourful flowers and serene settings.

As she grew, her thoughts grew.So did, ideas, inhibitions and fear.

Doubt of receiving true love, scared to express the affection and care within

for the fear of being rejected or laughed at,

drove her to extended hours of silent tears.

Swallowed tears they were, of the self, never reaching the earth

or another's hands...

The same path she lead now too,as that of the girl, but with a little sorrow behind her smile

and a fear in the unknown terrains..

that gripped her through lonely roads of mysterious ways.

A woman now.,

scared to break free, those locks of love.

For the wrath and fear of disappointment,

she refused. She held herself tight, just to herself..

which she won't throughout

because, 

She saw, beyond those dark and shadowed trees of never ending heights, 

there lay a path waiting to be tread on..

But with an air of unknown silence..

soon to be crossed.

With someone who'll break her heart and love her still...

A clear ringing sound of laughter would fly through the skies..

the laughter of her own self, just rediscovered.

Hemu

The black stallion that I never owned

Wandering as a child through the crowded field of yellow popies,

I looked at that which I had yearned for,

throughout the thirteen years of my life...

The black stallion.

The black stallion that I never owned.

He was just a few months old, with a black mane and a furry tail..He was black.

I went near him, searching all around for a person who would claim him..

I found none, as it was only him that I had seen and could SEE..

A black horse in the midst of a yellow field, He was just the dream I had seen.

The black love.. with the colour of my eyes,

a mother's love, and the reassuring stride of a father's strength,

that which I liked to have..

For, I had none but that beauty of my dreams..

I reached out my hand to touch his pink nose and feel the silk of his coat,

With the perfection combination of everything, he stood there..

As though waiting for me to hold him, speak to him, take care of him, ride him.. and to love him.

Perhaps like me.

With a soft nudge he caught my thoughts in its tracks and gave me a loving look..

It looked like he was smiling, his teeth was white..

As white as the pale moon that runs behind dark clouds...

He was perfect.

He was my dream come true.

At last, I've a black stallion. I could see him everywhere.

In my sleep, when I roam, and when I dont get to see those who bore me...

I just looked at his gaze, following it.. Paradise. Being with Him..

I was about to mount on him and feel the breeze that he could've offered...

I wanted to feel the flight on his back, with the wind seeing through me.. beyond all physical obstructions..

I felt the necessity of his presence.. for seeing me and the blunt emotions inside.

I felt through his black mane and got ready to gallop with him through the gay yellows,

full of happpiness, speed and the blowing skies,

Right when the yellow suddenly hit my eyes like a spear does a life..

And there I was lying on the dead field that cracked right down, without a sprout.. parched.

I turned around for Him, he wasn't there.

Like always, I go near him and he disappears.

HE, my wind, the black stallion that I never owned.

~ In search of the black stallion.

~ Hemu

(this piece, originally written on a train journey:

7:15pm

23/5/2008 )